Turtlebird Journal Publishing

If You Don't Want a Sarcastic Answer, Don't Ask a Fucking Stupid Question

Good Morning World! Your Little Ray of Sarcastic Sunshine Has Arrived

People Talk About Me Behind My Back and I Just Sit Here like "Damn. I Got Myself a Fan Club."

I Know, I Know, I Stood up for Myself I'm Such a Bitch

I'm Not a Bitch. I Am a Teller of Unfortunate Truths

I Will Ignore You so Hard, You Will Start to Doubt Your Own Existence

Even If I Had a Pocket Full of Fucks I Still Wouldn't Give You One

If Monday Had a Face I Would Punch It

Everyone Was Thinking It, I Just Said It

My "Give a Shit" Is Broken. But My "Go Fuck Yourself" Is Fully Functional!

I'm Sorry I Hurt Your Feelings When I Called You Stupid. I Really Thought You Already Knew

I've Always Loved the Idea of Not Being What People Expect Me to Be

Resting Bitch Face Saves Me from so Many Conversations I Don't Want to Be a Part of

Pretty Sure I'm Going to Be One of Those Senior Citizens Who Bites Everyone

Any Woman Wanting a Husband Obviously Never Had One Before

I Didn't Turn into an Asshole Overnight. It Took Years of People Letting Me Down, Pissing Me off and Dealing with Idiots to Get This Good at It

My Boss Told Me to Have a Good Day so I Went Home

Sleeping Is My Drug, My Bed Is My Dealer and My Alarm Clock Is the Police

This Morning's Coffee Brought to You by "Here We Fucking Go Again"

I Accept Apologies in the Form of Cupcakes, Cash or Vodka

Shhh. No One Cares.

I Wish Common Sense Was More Common

Unfuckwithable

You Are so Boring I Could Die