Renee
Written on Apr 25, 2019
"Emily X.R. Pan's brilliantly crafted, harrowing first novel portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor. This is a very special book."
--John Green, bestselling author of The Fault in Our Stars and Turtles All the Way Down
An instant New York Times bestseller, this stunning, heartbreaking novel about grief, love, and family is perfect for fans of Jandy Nelson and Celeste Ng.
Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird.
Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. And as she grieves, she must try to reconcile the fact that on the same day she kissed her best friend and longtime secret crush, Axel, her mother was taking her own life.
Alternating between reality and magic, past and present, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a luminous debut novel about finding oneself through family history, art, bravery, and love.
- ASIN B073P4NNFN
- Publish Date 20 March 2018
- Publish Status Active
- Imprint Little, Brown Books for Young Readers
- Format eBook (Kindle)
- Pages 480
- Language English
Reviews
nannah
Written on Feb 1, 2019
It's funny how sometimes you can tell when a piece of media about a marginalized group was meant for that marginalized group to consume or … to be for people completely alienated from that group to ogle at them.
This book fits into this category.
Book content warnings
SUICIDE. (also cw for the review)
- extremely graphic depictions of suicide, suicidal ideation, etc. (I had to call a hotline. please be safe when deciding whether or not to read this book).
I've been trying to find out if Emily X.R. Pan has any personal experience with depression, but I can't find any information. This is important, because you need to understand who you're writing for. Did she consider there would be any depressed people in her reading audience? According to Mental Health America , 12.63% American young adults in 2019 have major depressive episodes. That may not seem like much, but for every 100 kids, about 13 of them are affected by depression.
What I'm trying to say, is that who are you writing for? This book is about grief, undoubtedly. But it's also about depression, and to isolate depressed readers, a marginalized group, by writing about them like animals in a zoo, rather than for them, is such a bad choice.
Okay, I'm done.
Summary:
After Leigh's mom commits suicide, Leigh believes she has turned into a giant, red bird who urges her on a mission to Taiwan to visit her grandparents for the first time. There, she needs to find her mother, rediscover lost memories, and create a relationship with the grandparents she had always been forbidden to see.
The good:
The main interracial relationship -- that doesn't consist of a poc and a white person! It's always nice to see; most often in media people seem to forget you don't always NEED a white person in a relationship for it to be interracial, lmao.
I loved Leigh's grandparents. Loved them. Their relationships with both Leigh and Leigh's mother were so heart-breaking and lovely. I loved reading about that and couldn't get enough of it.
Unfortunately, this is all I have.
The bad:
The colors. Leigh describes everything she sees as feeling it in color. It took me about 100 pages in to realize she didn't actually have synesthesia, aka someone who experienced her world in color. Instead she's just a hipster art student who pretended she did. It could have been done well, except instead of using regular colors--or even more specific colors--the author used such niche and random, awkward colors nobody would ever know, such as
- quinacridone rose
- gamboge yellow
- diaxozine purple
- pyrazolone orange
- stil de grain brown
- disazo scarlet
- Antwerp blue
- naphthol red
which made the prose, and her character, pretty much insufferable. There are so many colors you could use that can do the job without using this format over and over and over. It was always ___ red or ____ blue, never just amber or lilac or mauve, etc.
The romantic side plot between Leigh and Axel. I know I literally just praised an element of it above, but I felt its entirety was unneeded. This book is huge, and I felt whenever the chapters flashed back to a bit with Axel, it took away from the main conflict.
The plot itself felt very weak. The book is more of a series of flashbacks than it was a story with an actual plot propelling characters forward. There are actually more flashbacks than scenes set in the current storyline. I know it's to get Leigh to realize her family is important and that memories are to remind her to live for today, but it's such a long-winded road to get there.
The ugly:
The representation of mental illness. I've discussed it above (at length), but largely my problem is that depression is like this thing, this illness that Must Not Be Named. It's evil, it's mysterious, and the protagonist and her father never actually talk about it, and it's never de-mystified. This isn't representation, it's a spectacle. And that makes me, a mentally ill person, really upset.
suicide discussion
There's also absolutely NO REASON you should describe suicide and suicidal thoughts in grotesque detail for such long page time!! This is what made me have to stop reading and contact a hot line. I was doing SO WELL, and then I plunged back into suicidal thoughts. The author went into a flashback montage scene describing Leigh's mom thinking about pretty much every time she wanted to commit suicide, in excruciating detail. WHY. This is what I mean about considering your audience! Do you want depressed young adults reading and experiencing this and these thoughts again? I can't believe so many people read and approved this for publication!!
A lot of this book is also very hard to believe. A father leaving his daughter alone with his parents in law for months, alone? Because he has an argument over food, of all things? Just drops her off and leaves her in Taiwan, where she doesn't speak the language of her grandparents, and goes to Hong Kong, and doesn't even check in on her--and doesn't get worried when she doesn't check in with him for months?
It's all too convenient for the story to happen, and I don't buy it.
Things like that happen all throughout the story. I can't get over it.
Anyway, I didn't enjoy the book (I mean ... it made me contact a hotline ...), and I don't understand all the acclaim it has gotten. It makes me so angry, because everyone has loved it, and I just don't understand. How could I have missed it?
Amber (The Literary Phoenix)
Written on Oct 13, 2018
One one hand, Emily X.R. Pan's debut it one part ghost story/one part magical realism and it is enchanting in that way.
On the other hand, this is such a deep, touching novel about loss and grief and healing, which gives it it's own quiet, sad beauty that makes it come alive like a dew-kissed rose slowly fanning its petals open. It took me a few chapters to get accustomed to the pacing, but then the novel sunk its razor-sharp teeth into my heart, and I was whisked away.
Pan's writing style is astonishing. She writes lyrically, but not so much so it takes away from the story. She's patient with her characters, and notices the soft elements of things that really help to bring the world to life. What stood out to me the most in the way she wrote this novel was that every single word felt steeped in sadness and color. Over and over again, Axel and Leigh ask one another "What color?" and while they rarely seem to answer one another out loud, Leigh always has colors tied to her emotions.
The story is about healing and discovery, and Leigh is a stubborn character dead set on forging her own path for as long sash can, even though somewhere deep in the darkness of her mind, she knows its fruitless. The internal struggle in this book is real, and you will feel every desperate attempt to capture her mother.
It's also beautiful to see Taiwan. In this way, the book is *not* written for someone like me, but I am grateful to be along for the journey. Taiwan through Leigh/Emily's eyes is a lovely place, culturally different than the United States where Leigh is from, and definitely a setting that is under-represented in YA.
I really, really loved this book. It was sad enough to make me cry a bit, and sweet enough that I didn't want to let it go. I hope it tugs your heartstrings as much as it tugged mine.
layawaydragon
Written on Sep 23, 2018
Well, that was fucking amazing. I borrowed the audiobook from my local library. It's 12 hours long. I've read a couple that long before but those dragged. Astonishing Color of After DID NOT. I blew through this in two sittings. I only stopped because ~sleep~. I knew I couldn't stop listening when I started so small sessions during the week wouldn't work. I NEED more of the narrator Stephanie Hsu, she did such an amazing job.
I love how the colors were used for moods but it wasn't synthesia, just artists being arty. Synthesia is an actual thing that YA hasn't gotten right a lot and have used it for snowflake MC instead.
Nothing gets skipped or left out. No hanging questions. Axel, the art show, her dad, her family ALL get thoroughly excavated and concluded.
Please read/listen to the Author's Note!! I love it.
I suffer from lifelong anxiety and depression, cut during my early teen years, and tried to kill myself then as well. I didn't stop harming myself until I became pregnant. I haven't since then but I've had those same thoughts. It's a pattern. Once it's an option, it's always an option and neurotypicals really don't get it. I'm lucky enough that I haven't had to switch up meds/doses much like Dori.
Couple of posts I found that help:
Image 1
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Notes from Listening:
>>Very descriptive.
>> 2.5's day??
>>Crush on Axel - best friend.
>>1st kiss on day Mom died.
>>Wow the colors.
>>Mom suicide = pills & knife
>>Wouldn't the police have found that??
>>Perfect visuals
>>Axel part PR, mom M.I.A. 1 year older.
>>Damn, Axel so cold.
>>14 yr freshman Axel starts dating Lee Anne, Mom depression yo-yoing.
>>Bye Axel. Whatever.
>>3 hours breezed by.
>>He got mono with that girl.
>>Kara!!
>>Is gay!! 3
>>Kara's Mom lol
>>Oh no. Found Mom on floor.
>>Who the fuck is Phong?
>>Red bird new logo @ bakery.
>>creepy dude.
>>Awww Karo's family
>>Omfg bi grandma! 3
>>No loving on a farm!!!
>>Who that tea! Clever Mom.
>>Within the 49 days to process karma & move on for rebirth.
>>Man, fuck you Axel just popping up like that.
>>Seriously Axel.
>>Kara + snow vulva lol
>>No, you sell?!!? GMA!! Holy shit!!
>>"Daddy long legs are like the teacup weiner dogs of the arachnid family."
>> Creepy dude Ping??
>>Mom hated Emily Dickinson.
>>"She was the color of home."
>>Oh the cuddling!
>>That bastard!!!
>>OMG they do the electric shock. Oh wowwwwwwww
>>6 hours down in 1 sitting easy.
>>Awww connect four
>>Finally the other girl = older sister.
>>Awwwww Auntie. Supporting piano playing Mom.
>>Auntie staying in Taiwan.
>>Auntie gave jade cicada necklace.
>>Mom gave Aunie the jade bracelet
>>Auntie loved Emily Dickinson
>>OH SHIT! Congrats!!! Applying at gallery in Berlin!!
>>lol the convo w/ Mom about Berline 3
>>Ewww that's not cool
>>OMG the school!
>>Auntie died when Mom in college from aneurysm. Mom went back home.
>>Dad went to Taiwan to see her.
>>Parents wanted Mom to marry Chinese man.
>>Black kitty!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>It's a cat tree, duh!
>>Aww mai mai kitty 3
>>Interesting about knocking & ghost month.
>>WTF Fred???
>>Ghost wedding??
>>Lock of hair in red packet = pick it up & get married to a dead person
>>ghost partners = good luck
>>Phong girl is a ghost. Why she doesn't eat and can't come on trip
>>Ghosts can't hide from children
>>wow masturbating moment.
>>Awww yay jade still survived
>>that depressed suicidal ideation montage....
>>Awww Mom gave paints for Xmas. OMFG Dad gave "How to figure out what you're destined for"
>>Nooooo you're not being horrible! You're right, he's horrible!! Poor Lee.
>>Winter formal? Oh shit. At end of Feb.
>>Gods her dad is such a dick about art school.
>>Good for you Lee!!!
>>Oh gods Axel. Y u no compliment her!?!?
>>Awww her tuxe dress!!
>>Fucking Axel. Asshole.
>>Ohhhhhh senior art guy. Looking up...
>>NVM UGH GROSS
>>Axel saw?
>>She sent in the portfolio!!
>>Karo told Mom + Gparents about Axel drama...
>>Axel got back together with Lee Ann. She asked him to the formal??
>>Best friends for 5 years.
>>Karo set up Lee.
>>2.5's day. 2.5 months after Axel's bday. 2.5 months before her bday. Around end of school/start of summer. Now anniversary of Mom's death too.
>>Dad showed up.
>>She's tripping????
>>Auntie didn't like Dad.
>>Awww poor Mom being disowned.
>>Okay about to cry.
>>Her + Dad talking....CRYING
>> FRED!!! IT WAS AUNTIE!!!
>> Colors of after = color of now.
>>The Room Painting.
>>Awwww Axel + consent.
>>"Once you figure out what matters, you'll be brave."
>>YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
>>KICK ASS AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!!!!!!! 3 3 3 3
Jo
Written on Apr 10, 2018
I really don't know what to say about The Astonishing Colour of After by Emily X. R. Pan. It's difficult trying to put my feelings into words. This book is absolutely incredible; it's so beautiful, but also so unbelievably moving.
When her mum dies by suicide, Leigh is distraught. Especially as she wasn't home that night, but instead kissing her best friend Axel. Leigh wants to do as her mum asked in her suicide note - "I want you to remember" - but she doesn't know what she means. Remember what? When a huge red bird turns up on her doorstep, speaking with her mother's voice, she knows her mum has transformed into a bird. With the bird telling her she must go to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time, she can do nothing but do as her mum wishes, knowing the answers she seeks will be there. Memories engulf her in Taiwan, both her own and those of others, and through visiting all her mum's favourite places, she's learning about who her mum was before she became her mum. But she learns of the Buddhist belief that after a person dies, their spirit resides for 49 days to let go of the those things which tie them to their life before rebirth, and there isn't much time left - will she figure out what her mum want her to know before the red bird disappears for good?
The Astonishing Colour of After is a story of love, grief, family and identity, and is told through the present, through Leigh's own flashbacks, and through the memories of others. Leigh has never been to Taiwan, she has never met her maternal grandparents, and she doesn't know why. Her mother would refuse to talk about them or her life back in Taiwan. But now her mum, as the red bird, has told her she needs to go to Taiwan. While she's grieving and trying to fulfil her mother's wishes, she's learning about herself through family history. Leigh is biracial; half-Taiwanese, half-white-American, but has always been cut off from her Taiwanese heritage because of her mother's refusal to talk about her parents or her time in Taiwan. Now, with her grandparents - her Waipo (grandmother) and Waigong (grandfather) - and family friend Feng, Leigh is learning about life in Taiwan, her family, their beliefs, and her culture; through food, and visiting temples, and learning about Ghost Month.
There is something really quite beautiful about how Pan weaves together Buddhist beliefs and magical realism in this story. As I said in my description, Buddhists believe that after a person dies, their spirit is remains for 49 days before making the transition into rebirth, and this is why Leigh's mum is still around in the form of a red bird. At first, I just thought it was magical realism, but when Leigh visits a Buddhist temple with her Waipo and Feng, she learns about this belief, and understands why her mum is still around. But she still has to learn - remember - what her mum wanted, and the magical realism takes a different path; as well as her thinking back over her own memories in the form of flashbacks, she is able to access the memories of others; her mother's memories, her father's, her Waipo's, her Waigong's - her grandfather. It's through these memories, over time, that she comes to learn about her family's history; how everyone came to live the lives they live, why there was this breach between her mum and her grandparents. She also learns about her mum's depression.
Because her mum didn't just die, she died by suicide. Through Leigh's own memories and the memories of others, we learn about this woman, Dory, who, when doing ok, was light and joy and full of love, but who also struggled with very severe depression. We know from the beginning that Leigh feels guilty for kissing her best friend while her mum was dying, how if she was at home she feels she might have saved her. But we come to stand just how heavy that guilt is as we learn about the past, and see just how her mum struggled. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see Leigh not knowing how to help her mum, and to see, through her own memories, how fast and hard Dory was sinking. There's a moment in the book when we get to fully understand exactly what Dory was going through, and it broke me. But there is hope. Hope and peace are found despite grief, and I guess, in a way, it's found through faith. What Leigh has learnt, through her family and her time in Taiwan, about Buddhist beliefs helps her - and there's never any doubt that her mum is a bird, so those beliefs ring true.
The Astonishing Colour of After is a quiet, heartbreaking, but hopeful and overwhelmingly beautiful story that is going to stay with me for such a long time. It's masterfully told, with such gorgeous writing and stunning imagery. This book is absolutely exquisite, and in Pan I have found a new favourite author. I cannot wait to see what Pan shares with us next.
Thank you to Orion Children's Books via NetGalley for the eProof.
Kelly
Written on Apr 1, 2018
Identifying her environment with colours, Leigh Chen Sanders reminisces the brightness of laughter, the gentle caressing of keys as the house is bathed in music, the hues of romance muted, the darkness slowly pulling her mother into depression.
Leigh is a biracial, a Taiwanese Irish American young woman, an artist of smudging and hues. Once a house awash with the melodious sound of her mother is now enveloped by despair, returning home to find her mother unresponsive, her life taken by clinical depression.
I try to think of a colour to match it, but all that comes to mind is the blackness of dried blood. I can only hope that in becoming a bird my mother has shed her suffering.
The nonlinear narrative accompanies Leigh in the moments after discovering her mother, despair reverberating throughout the family home. Dorothy Chen Sanders was diagnosed with depression, characterised compassionately and reiterating that mental illness is an incurable, continual and indiscriminate diagnosis.
Here is my mother, with wings instead of hands, and feathers instead of hair. Here is my mother, the reddest of brilliant reds, the colour of my love and my fear, all of my fiercest feelings trailing after her in the sky like the tail of a comet.
With a discarded note and a promise to remember, Leigh is doused in shades of sterile white, her colours now depleted. Leigh will journey to Taipei to uncover a life shrouded in whispers, perusing the elusive crimson feathers her mother has adorned after passing. The infusion of Taiwanese mythology is ethereal. As Leigh immerses herself in the Taiwanese landscape, she experiences moments of dissociation carried on the whispers of foreigner by curious bystanders, raised without the influence of her Taiwanese parentage.
The journey to Taipei is cathartic and although abandoned by her father on arrival, her grandparents Waipo and Waigong are welcoming and affectionate towards their granddaughter despite the language barrier. Her father is a contentious aspect of the narrative. A sinologist and scholar fluent in Mandarin, her father prioritised his career preferably to the deteriorating mental health of his wife. As her father increasingly travelled abroad, Leigh assumed the responsibility of primary caregiver and upon his return, he remained inaccessible and isolated. He continuously chastised Leigh for her creative medium, creating tension and frustration.
The racially and sexually diverse characters are wonderful. The narrative also pertains to the American Asian identity and the sense of acceptance towards biracial, multiracial and migrant communities.
My mother's hands have turned to wings. Her hair, to feathers. Her pale complexion now red as blood, red as wine, every shade of every red in the universe.
The Astonishing Colour of After is exquisite. The Mandarin Chinese dialect complements the affluent and atmospheric tapestry of Taipei and Taiwanese elegance. Debut author Emily X.R. Pan is extraordinary, a lyricist captivating readers. An impeccable read.
Sam@WLABB
Written on Mar 10, 2018
•Pro: First and foremost - this book was beautifully written. Pan's prose was vivid and gorgeous. She painted the characters' emotions with sweeping brushstrokes, and I was right there with them, fully immersed in their fear, joy, and pain.
•Pro: Magical realism is one of my favorite genres, and those magical elements were used so wonderfully in this story. The Smoke and Memories sequence was such a brilliant way to give the reader different points of view.
•Pro: Pan took us on an awesome trip to Taiwan. She showed us so many special sites, but my favorite thing was all the food. It was a virtual feast!
•Pro: I loved the way the story bounced back and forth from past to present, from happy to sad. It was interesting that Pan chose to explore Leigh's relationship with her best friend, Axel, in addition to those with her mother and father, but I think it was a good way to alleviate some of the sadness and inject some hope into this story.
•Pro: This was Leigh's healing journey, but it was also her journey of self discovery. She struggled with her ethnic identity, her belief in herself as an artist, her place in Axel's life, her inability to get all the answers, and her guilt over not being there for her mother. Pan did such an amazing job getting us inside Leigh's head and taking us along with her on this path to self discovery.
•Con: I think the book was a tad too long. It could have been edited down a little.
•Pro: Leigh learns a lot about her mother and all the family secrets. This insight opens her eyes and has her re-examining things with a new perspective. I really appreciated this growth, and also the awesome twist Pan threw in there.
•Pro: I thought the mental health part of the story was handled in a respectful and sensitive way. Pan addressed how everyone was affected by Leigh's mother's mental illness and her suicide, and it is important that it was approached in this stigma-free way.
Believing is a type of magic. It can make something true.
Overall: A gorgeously written tale, which took me on a magical journey from the throes of grief to a place of healing, understanding, self discovery, and finding beauty in the pain.
*ARC received in exchange for an honest review.
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