What We Left Behind

by Robin Talley

From the critically acclaimed author of Lies We Tell Ourselves comes an emotional, empowering story of what happens when love isn't enough to conquer all.

Toni and Gretchen are the couple everyone envied in high school. They've been together forever. They never fight. They're deeply, hopelessly in love. When they separate for their first year at college — Toni to Harvard and Gretchen to NYU — they're sure they'll be fine. Where other long-distance relationships have fallen apart, their relationship will surely thrive.

The reality of being apart, however, is a lot different than they expected. As Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, falls in with a group of transgender upperclassmen and immediately finds a sense of belonging that has always been missing, Gretchen struggles to remember who she is outside their relationship.

While Toni worries that Gretchen, who is not trans, just won't understand what is going on, Gretchen begins to wonder where she fits in Toni's life. As distance and Toni's shifting gender identity begin to wear on their relationship, the couple must decide — have they grown apart for good, or is love enough to keep them together?

"An important read about strength, self and discovery."  —Tess Sharpe, author of Far From You

 “With vividly drawn characters and killer prose, this is Robin Talley's writing at its best. I couldn't put it down.” —Miranda Kenneally, bestselling author of Catching Jordan

 "An honest and searing love story, impressively complex and nuanced in its examination of the evolution of a long-distance relationship. Important. Brave. Necessary." —I.W. Gregorio, author of None of the Above

• ISBN10: 1760378445
• ISBN13: 9781760378448
• Publish Date: 1 November 2015 (first published 22 October 2015)
• Publish Status: Active
• Publish Country: AU
• Imprint: HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd
• Format: eBook (EPUB)
• Pages: 384
• Language: English

Reviews

[ellieroth]

Original de: El Blog del Gato - El Extraño Gato del Cuento

¿No te han tocado libros que luego de leer un par de capítulos, estás seguro que odiaras a un personaje, porque sientes que no hay nada en este mundo que haga que te agrade dicho personaje, pero luego terminas sorprendiéndote tu mismo cuando dicho personaje te termina agradando? ¿No? Eso me pasó con What We Left Behind, esta libro tiene varias características que normalmente me hacen terminar con una sensación amarga, solo que la manera como se maneja la historia me llevó a querer que estos personajes superarán sus problemas y terminaran bien.



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[Jo]

3.5 Stars.

Originally posted on Once Upon a Bookcase.

After loving Lies We Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley, I was so excited when I heard about What We Left Behind! However, it was quite a difficult read, and I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it in the end.

Gretchen and Toni have been the perfect couple for almost two years; so in love, and completely inseparable. So when the time comes to go to college, a rift is caused between them when, the day before, Gretchen reveals she'll actually be attending NYU and not going to college in Boston, like Toni. Toni is mad at Gretchen, Gretchen feels terribly guilty, and having to deal with being further apart than planned is seriously difficult. But at Harvard, Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, signs up to a LGBTQ group, and makes friends with a number of trans people. In this new environment, Toni starts to think more about Toni's gender identity, what it means, what fits, and Gretchen begins to discover just who she is when she's not known as "Toni's girlfriend". Can their love survive the distance and embrace the new people they're becoming?

This book isn't what I thought it was about. When I first heard about it, there wasn't much description yet; it was a LGBTQ love story where one of the narrators is genderqueer. As I said, I loved Lies We  Tell Ourselves, hearing that Talley would again be tackling an LGBTQ story I hadn't read before, I was so excited. I was expecting a nice (though hard) college romance, and to learn more about genderqueer. What We Left Behind is actually a lot more about indentity - specifically Toni's gender identity - than it is about romance. Gretchen and Toni's romance is the backdrop to Toni's story of self-discovery.

Toni identifies as genderqueer, which falls under than trans umbrella; as Toni puts it, Toni knows Toni isn't female, but isn't quite sure that Toni is male, either. The reason I keep repeating Toni's name instead of using male or female pronouns (he/his or she/her) is because Toni doesn't like them being used in relation to Toni. The way I'm writing right now is how Gretchen talks about Toni all the time, and how Toni talks about most people. That is until Toni decices to experiment with other pronouns, such as they/them or the pronouns created to be gender neutral, ze/hir. What We Left Behind is full of Toni's ideas when it comes to gender politics and how there is no gender binary (I.E. the gender binary being male and female, when it's more of a spectrum, as Toni's gender identity shows, where people can fall somewhere between the two). This isn't just because of Toni's own gender identity, but because Toni thinks the English language is full of sexism. There is a wonderful conversation with a transman, Pete, who gets a little annoyed with Toni refusing to use gendered pronouns, pretty much saying that he had to fight hard enough as it is to get people to see him (Pete) as male, it's not so great when Toni refuses to acknowledge his gender by using the gendered pronouns he wants people to use for him. There are a lot of really interesting conversations like this throughout the book.

The focus is mostly on Toni's gender identity, though. Toni is so confused; as I said, Toni knows Toni isn't female, but the more time Toni spends around Toni's new trans friends, the more confused Toni gets. Toni wonders if Toni will be genderqueer Toni's whole life, or if at some point Toni will feel more male and become a transman. But is that what Toni wants? With Toni's annoyance with the English language and labels, Toni also experiments with various labels to describe how Toni feels about Toni's gender identity; as well as genderqueer, Toni tries gender variant, gender non-conforming, there's talk about non-binary, and a few others are tried on and discarded, because nothing really feels right to Toni. Despite not liking labels, Toni is upset about not know what Toni is, and not knowing if Toni will ever stop feeling this way.

Then there's Gretchen. Her girlfriend, Toni, is going through all these changes, but what does that mean for her? She's so confused about what this all means. If Toni becomes a transman, would that make her straight? But she's a lesbian. She loves Toni, but would Toni still be attracted to her if Toni becomes a man? Would she still be attracted to Toni? She doesn't understand and these questions keep flying around her head, but she doesn't ask any of them because she's worried about things coming out wrong and offending Toni. And Toni doesn't talk to Gretchen about these things, partly because Toni is still mad at her, but also because Toni doesn't think Gretchen will understand. And all the while, Gretchen is berrating herself, feeling awful for having these questions because it doesn't really matter, not really, she should just be Toni's supportive girlfriend and do whatever she can to help Toni. But then she'll be involved in conversations were Toni is talking about Toni's gender identity, and there will be decisions Toni's made that come out of left field for Gretchen because Toni never told her. So Gretchen ends up hurt because she doesn't know what's going on in her girlfriend's head, but again, doesn't want to ask.

These two wound me the hell up, I swear. There is zero communication for much of the story, and their relationship is unbelievably unhealthy. Toni ends up being really quite selfish, worrying about themself and getting annoyed at the idea of talking to Gretchen, because what's the point, she doesn't get it, and Gretchen is bending over backwards to be there for Toni, and ends up being quite obsessed about when she'll hear from Toni next, what's Toni's going to say, because she loves Toni, she needs Toni, she can't do without Toni. It's really uncomfortable to read. Not only that, but they're at college, they're 18, but the way they both act when it comes to their relationship, feels so juvenile! Yes, they have major changes to contend with, but they're grown ups now, and need to stop acting like young teenagers.

As educational as this book is, it's also serious heavy. There is so much information on various gender identities and pronouns, and I do feel enlightened, but I also felt bloody exhausted once I finished it. There are so few books out there on genderqueer people, so this is such a hugely important book, but there is barely any let up. Gretchen's chapters are where you feel like you can breath a little easier, but even she spends a lot of time thinking about Toni and Toni's gender identity. No matter what's happening at any point with Toni, Toni is talking or thinking about Toni's gender identity. But I finished the book not knowing if this story of confusion on Toni's part is how most genderqueer people feel all the time, or if that was just how Toni was dealing with Toni's gender identity. It just felt like too much, all at once. This is my first experience of reading a book about a genderqueer peerson, so I don't know if I'm being insensitive or not - I apologise if I am.

What We Left Behind is a pretty good and important book, and one you will definitely learn from.

Thank you to Mira Ink for the proof.

[Angie]

I received an ARC through NetGalley.
I was super excited for What We Left Behind, but sadly, Toni is the absolute worst and ruined it for me. Toni and Gretchen have been together since junior year, and now they're heading off to colleges in different states. They promise to visit each other every weekend that they can, but that doesn't happen as Toni gets caught up in college life and figuring out their gender identity.

I found Toni's chapters a bit awkward to get into, because they don't use gendered pronouns--or really, any pronouns other than I--for anyone. I get that Toni doesn't want gendered pronouns applied to them, because they're genderqueer, but it felt odd that they wouldn't apply pronouns to anyone at all. They/them is neutral, but instead Toni repeatedly uses everyone's names. That made the sentences not flow easily for me, because once the same name shows up twice in the same sentence, it's time for a pronoun! Plus they have no problem calling people by other gendered words (guy, girl, girlfriend, etc), so why strip away the pronouns? I can understand not making assumptions, but shouldn't Toni be using other's preferred pronouns since they want others to not use any for them at all?

Thankfully, I did get use to Toni's way of speaking, and someone calls them out on their lack of pronouns yet still using other gendered words! Toni is hanging out with other trans people who want to be referred to as their preferred pronouns and it's pretty unfair to have someone refuse to use them because they find gendered language stupid. I got an odd amount of satisfaction from that conversation, because Toni was reaching hipster levels of annoying and needed to be hit with reality. They're not the only one with thoughts on pronouns, and it was about time Toni they came face to face with that.

But around two-thirds in, Toni decides to start using they/them and complains about how hard it is! I seriously had to my roll my eyes at that. Somehow cutting out all pronouns after using them for 16 years was super easy, but after a year, they somehow can't get use to saying they/them? Toni briefly considers sie/hir/ze, but has a problem with made up words. Again, why not just use the pronouns that people want to be referred to as?! Doing so doesn't mean they'll have to call them s/he! This just frustrated me to no end. Why does Toni get the pronoun (or lack thereof) of their choice without extending that same courtesy to those around them?

Aside from the pronoun conversations, What We Left Behind was quite overwhelming with information. At times it read more like a 400 page brochure on being genderqueer or transgender. Nearly every conversation or inner monologue was about gender, identity, and orientation. Yes, these are very important things in Toni and Gretchen's lives, and I learned a lot, but it ultimately overshadowed their story. I was looking forward to seeing how they handled a long distance relationship as well as how Toni transitioning (or not) affected Gretchen (is she still a lesbian if Toni identifies as male?). Instead, it's buried under all of the labels, stereotypes, and politics of being gender nonconforming.

On top of that, Toni treats Gretchen like crap. When they first came out as genderqueer, Toni doesn't explain it very well, because Gretchen must get it! Gretchen is the greatest and understands everything about Toni! Well, no. Gretchen is confused, but Toni doesn't talk about this stuff with her, only with their new college friends. Then when Gretchen doesn't know what's going on, Toni claims that she just can't ever understand! That's because you don't tell her anything! She's not a mind reader!

Toni also has bad thoughts about just everyone who isn't on the LGBT+ spectrum. Their roommates are awful, but it has nothing to do with them being straight and cisgender. Toni is just disgusted with them for showing cleavage, spending time on their hair, and wearing high heels because they're perpetrating gender norms! Apparently their form of gender expression isn't valid, and everyone should be androgynous? Again, why does Toni get to express their gender how they want, but no one else can?

I also had a problem with how Toni even uses the term genderqueer throughout What We Left Behind. They use it as a political statement rather than an actual identity at times. In fact, during the flashback to Toni coming out to Gretchen, they actually say that they want to challenge society's views on gender roles. Um...plenty of people do just that while identifying as male or female. They're not mutually exclusive. Toni also changes labels A LOT, which is fine, since they're just figuring this out. But at other times, it seemed like they were using genderqueer as a pit stop to identifying as transgender and male. That's like people thinking bisexual is a transitional state between gay and straight. It's not. They're both identities. This also added to my frustration with the story, just throwing around as many labels as possible without considering what they actually mean.

What We Left Behind might be a great read for someone in Toni or Gretchen's positions, or even for someone who knows someone who is. It shows how to have these hard conversations, gives terminology (although probably too many in rapid-fire succession), advice, and support. There's a lot of very important information here that can help someone. However, being marketed as a a romance facing new challenges, it's definitely lacking. The characters felt more like educational tools rather than fleshed out characters. This made it hard for me to stay in the story, because it didn't feel like just a story, but something much bigger. Not that that's a bad thing, but it's certainly not what I was expecting.

What We Left Behind left me frustrated. I wanted more relationship and self-discovery, less instructional guide. I have no doubt others will love this one and feel less alone when reading it. But for me, I could not stand Toni and their hypocrisy, and I especially did not like them trying to tell Gretchen what's best for her. Toni had every right to be selfish and want to work on themself, but just say that, don't make it about something else!


Read more of my reviews at Pinkindle Reads & Reviews.

[Amber]

This review was originally posted on Books of Amber

Lies We Tell Ourselves was one of my favourite books of the year last year, and when I found out that Talley's next book would be about a girl who is a lesbian and a character who identifies as genderqueer, I was incredibly excited. Unfortunately, I was more than a little let down by What We Left Behind, and the reason for that lies with the character of Toni.

There are two main characters, Toni and Gretchen, but What We Left Behind focusses mostly on the genderqueer character, Toni. Toni started off okay and all, and I was interested in reading about someone who identifies in such a way, and also about someone who is still wondering which label or labels they want to assign themselves, but by the end Toni made me want to tear my hair out.

Toni was incredibly preachy, and when reading from Toni's point of view I felt like I was reading an essay. There was a lot of info-dumping and none of it felt particularly natural, as info-dumps rarely do, and on top of that Toni was a self absorbed prat who didn't deserve Gretchen. I understand/acknowledge/agree that Toni was going through a lot of difficult things relating to gender and identity and sexuality, but those things can't really be used as an excuse here. Whenever Toni had a chapter (i.e. throughout most of the book) I was subjected to an essay about identity and genderqueer-ness and sexuality. And yes, those things need to be talked about and I'm all for representation, but if I wanted to read about them in a non-fiction format then I could have found all this stuff online.

I did, to begin with, enjoy the discussions that the characters had about identity and pronouns and language, but again, it was all put forward in the wrong way, in my opinion.

I've also read a couple of other reviews on the topic of genderqueer representation and they were interesting. You can find one of them here, which talks about how Talley doesn't do a great job of representing genderqueer people. I don't feel like I'm educated enough on that particular identity to provide much of a comment, but the review was an interesting read. I would agree that What We Left Behind seems to label genderqueer as a transitional period rather than a real identity or label.

On another note, I really started to dislike Toni when Toni met two girls and said they have no right to talk about feminism or be feminists until they stop wearing bikinis. Like. Mate. You're completely missing what feminism is about. Do you think we all have to go around in hoodies and jeans to be legit?!

And I suppose I'm going to leave the review here as I don't have much more to say. I'm disappointed, but I'm open to reading more from Talley in the future.