Snarky Coworker Notebook Publishing

Lord, Please Give Me Patience, Because If You Give Me Strength I'll Need Bail Money Too

If I Was a Plastic Surgeon... I Would 100% Put a Squeaky Toy in Every Breast Implant

My Dog Was Licking His Balls. My Friend Said, Boy I Wish I Could Do That... Told Him, You Better Pet Him First, He's Kind of Mean

Dear Karma, I Have a List of People You Missed

I Found That If You Tuck One Part of Your Pant Legs Into Your Sock, People Expect Less of You

All I Heard Was "i Swear It Will Be Funny..." and Then We Were in Jail

Silence Is Golden. Duct Tape Is Silver

At My Funeral Take the Bouquet Off My Coffin and Throw It Into the Crowd to See Who Is Next

If You're Kinky and You Know It, Clap Your... Oh, They're Tied? Never Mind

How Come When a Woman Is Pregnant Everyone Rubs Her Stomach and Says Congratulations But No One Rubs Your Balls and Says Good Job?

I'm an Awesome, Educated and Intelligent Motherfucker That Says "fuck" a Lot

If You Avoid the Conflict to Keep the Peace, You Start a War Inside Yourself

If You See Me Smiling It's Because I'm Thinking of Doing Something Bad. If You See Me Laughing, It's Because I Already Have

Saying "have a Nice Day" to Someone Sounds Friendly. But Saying "enjoy Your Next 24 Hours" Sounds Threatening

People Need to Start Appreciating the Effort I Put in to Not Being a Serial Killer

I Seriously Need a Speed Bump Between My Brain and Mouth

Thank You, God, for Not Putting Wings on Spiders

I Like Pink Sparkly Things and the Word Fuck

You're the Reason This Country Has to Put Directions on Shampoo

My Doctor Asked If Anyone in My Family Suffers from Mental Illness. I Said

The Fact That There's a Highway to Hell and Only a Stairway to Heaven Says a Lot about Anticipated Traffic Numbers

I Have Mixed-Drinks about Feelings

Job Interview

I Tried to Embrace My Inner Child Today and the Little Asshole Bit Me