Snarky Coworker Notebook Publishing

Love Is Like a Fart. If You Have to Force It, It's Probably Shit

It's a Joke, Not a Dick. Don't Take It So Hard

Answering the Phone "sheriffs Department, Fraud Division" Sure Has Slowed Down the Telemarketer Calls

Somethings Are Better Left Unsaid. Which I Generally Realized Right After I Have Said Them

We'll Be Friends Until We're Old and Senile, Then We'll Be New Friends

When I'm Feeling Down and Someone Says "suck It Up", I Get the Urge to Break Their Legs and Say "walk It Off"

I Never Wish Death Upon Anyone Who Wrongs Me. I Wish for a Sudden Explosive Diarrhea While Stuck in Traffic... with Frequent Sneezes

I Just Want to Feel Wanted by Someone Other Than the Police

If You Ever See Me Jogging, Please Kill Whatever Is Chasing Me

I'm Surprisingly Nice for Someone Who Hates 99% of the Human Race

I'm Not Sure How Many Problems I Have Because Math Is One of Them

If You Fall, I'll Be There - Ground

My First Instinct When I See an Animal Is to Say "hello". My First Instinct When I See a Person Is to Avoid Eye Contact and Hope It Goes Away

I Wish People Came with a 30 Second Trailer, So I Can See What I'm Getting Myself Into

Don't Provoke Me Motherfucker. I'm a Woman. Remember, I've Been Washing Blood Stains Off My Clothing for Years

I Like Cooking My Family and My Pets. Use Commas. Don't Be a Psycho

Each Time a Bird Shits on My Car, I Eat a Plate of Scrambled Eggs on My Porch - Just to Show Them What I Am Capable of

I Have Found That a Very Effective Way to End an Argument Is to Ask the Other Person for a Piece of Their Hair

I Don't Hate You. I Just Lost Respect for You

People Need to Understand the Difference Between Want and Need. Like, I Want Abs, But I Need Tacos

What's the Difference Between Erotic and Kinky? Erotic Is Using a Feather... Kinky Is Using the Whole Chicken

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... the Five Stages of Waking Up

At My Funeral Check My Pockets... I Probably Have Your Lighter

The Human Body Has 7 Trillion Nerves and Some People Manage to Get on Every Single Fucking One of Them