Snarky Coworker Notebook Publishing

I'm Going to Stand Outside. So If Anyone Asks, I'm Outstanding

If You Ever Get Caught Sleeping at Work, Just Slowly Raise Your Head and Say "in Jesus' Name I Pray"

People Tell Me That I Have a Unique Way of Lighting Up a Room. It's Called Arson and Those People Are Called Witnesses

Alcoholics Don't Run in My Family. They Stumble Over Crap and Break Shit

Remember to Look Both Ways Before You Go Fuck Yourself

Punch Today in the Face

Don't Regret Past Mistakes. All of Your Decisions, Good and Bad, Lead You to Where You Are Today. Disregard This If You Are in Prison

Stupid People Are Like Glow Sticks. I Want to Snap Them and Shake the Shit Out of Them Until the Light Comes on

How Am I Supposed to Trust You When You Keep Running Away Every Time I Untie You

Dear Teenagers Complaining about Life, You've Only Felt the Tip of Its Dick

If You Hesitate Between Me and Another Person, Don't Choose Me

You Had Me at "we'll Make It Look Like an Accident"

When You're Dead, You Don't Know That You're Dead. It Is Difficult Only for the Others. It Is the Same If You're Stupid

I'm Stuck Between a Rock and Someone I Want to Hit with It

When People Tell Me They're "spiritual" I'm Like "demons Are Spirits To... Be More Specific."

A Woman Is Helpless Only When Her Nail Polish Is Drying

I Think Senility Is Going to Be a Fairly Smooth Transition for Me

If at First You Don't Succeed, It's Called "attempted" Murder

I'm Never Sure If I Actually Have Free Time or If I Just Keep Forgetting Shit

I'll Bet It's Called "almond Milk" Because No One Can Say "nut Juice" with a Straight Face

Remember, If We Get Caught, You're Deaf and I Don't Speak English

Arguing with Idiots Is Like Playing Chess with a Pigeon... No Matter How Good You Are, the Bird Is Going to Shit on the Board and Strut Around Like It Won Anyway

I Have One Nerve Left and You're Dry-Humping It... Go Away

What You Allow Is What Will Continue