Carry On (Simon Snow, #1)

by Rainbow Rowell

[rohshey]

Imagine, if you will, the following phone call between Rainbow Rowell and her agent (who in this case is obviously a Mary Sue of me, so I'll call her MS) taking place prior to the publication of Fangirl:
RR: So Eleanor and Park was like huge.....
MS: Thank you for that.
RR: So can we please publish my seven-book series of Harry Potter fan fiction now? PLEEEEEEEEZE! I've been asking for like years.
MS: I just threw up in my hand. No.
RR: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
MS: I'm going to hang up on you now.
RR: Hey, I'm Rainbow Rowell!
MS: That might not mean as much as you think.
RR: But people will love it. It's a proven market. Look at how many people love Harry Potter! You're just being a hater because you don't like Harry Potter. You hater.
MS: Here's the unfortunate downside of fan fiction, sweetie: IT'S FAN FICTION.
RR: ****I KNOW IT'S AWESOME****
MS: It's awful.
RR: What's-her-name did it with Fifty Shades.
MS: It was awful.
RR: It made her agent buckets of money.
MS: This is a good point that you make. Would you be willing to do a search-and-replace on all the names and places?
RR: [Growls viciously for seven minutes] Fine.
MS: Last I checked, you're from Nebraska, not England. Would you be willing to set your fan fiction in the States?
RR: [Affects English accent] NEVAH!
MS: [Twitches all over as imaginary insects crawl on her skin] But Americans just don't write British English well. At all. It always comes out sounding like.....y'know.......an American doing fan fiction of British English.
RR: See above on this making you buckets of money.
MS: GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL, WOMAN! Would you be willing to shorten the story from seven books to one?
RR: Sure, as long as most of the book can consist of super-expository backstory.
MS: Now let's talk about what new twists your story will bring to the Harry Potter canon. Will there still be an orphan Chosen One?
RR: Of course! But since this is really an original work of my own invention, I made Harry live in foster homes over the summer.
MS: Damn it, I just threw up in my hand again. Will there still be a know-it-all female sidekick?
RR: Of course! But since this is really an original work of my own invention and #WeNeedDiverseBooks, I made Hermione Indian.
MS: Will there still be a feral-but-lovable groundskeeper?
RR: Of course! But since this is really an original work of my own invention, I made Hagrid a girl.
MS: Will there still be a Bad Guy from an old elitist Bad Guy family who believe that only the elite and pureblooded should attend the magic school?
RR: Of course! But since this is really an original work of my own invention and I HEART TWILIGHT, I made Malfoy a vampire.
MS: [Stomach bile has eaten through the skin of her palms by this point] I can't sell this to editors unless you convince me there's something original about it.
RR: Oh, well, there's gayness.
MS: That was understood when you said it was fan fiction. So is it Harry and Ron who fall in love?
RR: Nah, it's Harry and Malfoy.
MS: SCREECH OF FREAKING BRAKES! That should have been the first sentence out of your mouth. You KNOW I’m a sucker for the enemies to lovers trope!!! OMG OMG! I totally want to see Harry and Malfoy fall in love.
RR: In fandom, we say "I totally ship that."
MS: [Beats her head with the phone] That is so freaking retarded. You know what? No. I can't do this. I have to be able to hold up my head in this town.
RR: Okay, fine. Be that way. I'm gonna go write a book about how it feels to write fan fiction and have everyone constantly tell you it's derivative crap and a waste of time AND THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!
MS: You do that, missy.
RR: But if that book makes you buckets of money, THEN can we do the Harry Potter fan fiction book? PLEEEEEEEEEEEZE!?!?!?!
MS: Sigh. I’m gonna regret this…but sure.
RR: Thanks, Mary Sue! You’re the bestest agent a girl could have.