Item: Shadow Daughter
Rating: 5.00
Author: lovelybookshelf

by Harriet Brown

The day of her mother's funeral, Harriet Brown was five thousand miles away. To say that Harriet and her mother had a difficult relationship is a wild understatement; the older Harriet grew, the more estranged they became. By the time Harriet's mom died at age 76, they were out of contact. Yet Harriet felt her death deeply, embarking on an exploration of what family estrangement means--to those who cut off contact, to those who are estranged, to the friends and family members who are on the sidelines.

Shadow Daughter tackles a subject we rarely discuss as a culture: family estrangements, especially those between parents and adult children. Estrangements--between parents and children, siblings, multiple generations--are surprisingly common, and even families that aren't officially estranged often have some experience of deep conflicts. Estrangement is an issue that touches most people, one way or another, one that's still shrouded in secrecy, stigma, and shame. In addition to her personal narrative, Harriet employs interviews with others who are estranged, as well as the most recent research on family estrangement, for a brave exploration of this taboo topic. Ultimately, Shadow Daughter is a thoughtful, deeply researched, and provocative exploration of the ties that bind and break, forgiveness, reconciliation, and what family really means.

Harriet Brown’s Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement is more than her own memoir. Brown shares her own story of being estranged from her mother in bits and pieces, surrounded by personal stories from a variety of people (some estranged by choice, others not), as well as research into the psychology and social impact of being estranged from family—why it happens, how it feels, and more.

This format works really, really well. This is a tough topic because of intense “family first” social norms and ideas around “forgiveness” that often end up pressuring people into accepting abuse, especially covert abuse. The way Brown has laid out her book makes the presentation of personal stories powerful, while giving just enough distance so the reading doesn’t become too overwhelming emotionally for those who have been/are going through family estrangement.

Brown also takes a deeper look at forgiveness—what it is, what it isn’t, what it means, what it doesn’t. But she doesn’t try to present a definitive answer. Instead, she offers up a number of perspectives for readers to think about on their own.

It’s important to note that Shadow Daughter covers all sorts of reasons for estrangement, and doesn’t play the “pain Olympics” in any way. It’s quite validating, and truly a healing read.

Shadow Daughter

by Harriet Brown

Reviewed by lovelybookshelf on Nov 5, 2018

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