“A brutally honest memoir that socks you in the gut with its candor” (Elton John and David Furnish) about lust, abuse, addiction, stardom, and redemption from Arrow and Teen Wolf actor Colton Haynes.
In 2018, Colton Haynes woke up in a hospital. He’d had two seizures, lost vision in one eye, almost ruptured a kidney, and been put on an involuntary psychiatric hold. Not yet thirty, he knew he had to take stock of his life and make some serious changes if he wanted to see his next birthday.
As he worked towards sobriety, Haynes allowed himself to become vulnerable for the first time and discovered profound self-awareness. He had millions of social media followers who constantly told him they loved him. But what would they think if they knew his true story? If they knew where he came from and the things he had done?
Now, Colton bravely pulls back the curtain on his life and career, revealing the incredible highs and devastating lows. From his unorthodox childhood in a small Kansas town, to coming to terms with his sexuality, he keeps nothing back.
By sixteen, he had been signed by the world’s top modeling agency and his face appeared on billboards. But he was still a broke, lonely, confused teenager, surrounded by people telling him he could be a star as long as he never let anyone see his true self. As Colton’s career in television took off, the stress of wearing so many masks and trying to please so many different people turned his use of drugs and alcohol into full-blown addiction.
“In searing, honest prose, he tells a coming-of-age story that is utterly his own, yet surprisingly universal” (Bill Clegg, New York Times bestselling author)—of dreams deferred and dreams fulfilled; of a family torn apart and rebuilt; and of a man stepping into the light as no one but himself.
Raw. Brutal. Not A Name-Dropping Hollywood Story. Like so many others, I first "met" Haynes when he showed up on my TV screen as Roy Harper in CW's Arrow. A show which I didn't want to like at first because it came *so* close to Smallville and Justin Hartley's own excellent portrayal of the same (now titular) character, but whose grit and realism shined through and made me a fan (at least of its earlier seasons). But I never knew too much of the actual Colton Haynes other than knowing that he seemed to be friends with his female cast mates in particular and that he had previously been on the MTV version of Teen Wolf.
And while both of these shows are mentioned here (with more details about Teen Wolf than Arrow, though not a Hollywood-gossip type entry on either of them), the focus of this book is more about Haynes' upbringing, from his earliest memories to his first sexual abuse at age six to his later sexual abuse throughout his teenage years, and his life as all of this was happening. Even when we get into the areas where he came into the public eye, beginning with modeling in New York and LA (after having been scammed in the Midwest), the focus is more inward at himself and his family than showing the various things he was doing as a "celebrity" and with who. (Though he does drop a *couple* of names through this section.)
As brutal as this book is - this is absolutely one where virtually anyone will want to develop a time machine just to go back and save young Colton - perhaps its saving grace is its brevity at around 250 pages. I wound up reading it over the course of about just 3-4 hours or so, and that speed is largely due to just how beautiful Haynes' prose is. Indeed, there is one section in the penultimate chapter that almost begs to be re-read over and over a few times, as Haynes uses one of his last times utterly drunk as a way to summarize all that he had been through, all that had led him to that particular moment. Truly an outstanding book, and one of the better memoirs - celebrity or not - I've ever read. Very much recommended.
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9 June, 2022:
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