What We Left Behind

by Robin Talley

[Angie]

I received an ARC through NetGalley.
I was super excited for What We Left Behind, but sadly, Toni is the absolute worst and ruined it for me. Toni and Gretchen have been together since junior year, and now they're heading off to colleges in different states. They promise to visit each other every weekend that they can, but that doesn't happen as Toni gets caught up in college life and figuring out their gender identity.

I found Toni's chapters a bit awkward to get into, because they don't use gendered pronouns--or really, any pronouns other than I--for anyone. I get that Toni doesn't want gendered pronouns applied to them, because they're genderqueer, but it felt odd that they wouldn't apply pronouns to anyone at all. They/them is neutral, but instead Toni repeatedly uses everyone's names. That made the sentences not flow easily for me, because once the same name shows up twice in the same sentence, it's time for a pronoun! Plus they have no problem calling people by other gendered words (guy, girl, girlfriend, etc), so why strip away the pronouns? I can understand not making assumptions, but shouldn't Toni be using other's preferred pronouns since they want others to not use any for them at all?

Thankfully, I did get use to Toni's way of speaking, and someone calls them out on their lack of pronouns yet still using other gendered words! Toni is hanging out with other trans people who want to be referred to as their preferred pronouns and it's pretty unfair to have someone refuse to use them because they find gendered language stupid. I got an odd amount of satisfaction from that conversation, because Toni was reaching hipster levels of annoying and needed to be hit with reality. They're not the only one with thoughts on pronouns, and it was about time Toni they came face to face with that.

But around two-thirds in, Toni decides to start using they/them and complains about how hard it is! I seriously had to my roll my eyes at that. Somehow cutting out all pronouns after using them for 16 years was super easy, but after a year, they somehow can't get use to saying they/them? Toni briefly considers sie/hir/ze, but has a problem with made up words. Again, why not just use the pronouns that people want to be referred to as?! Doing so doesn't mean they'll have to call them s/he! This just frustrated me to no end. Why does Toni get the pronoun (or lack thereof) of their choice without extending that same courtesy to those around them?

Aside from the pronoun conversations, What We Left Behind was quite overwhelming with information. At times it read more like a 400 page brochure on being genderqueer or transgender. Nearly every conversation or inner monologue was about gender, identity, and orientation. Yes, these are very important things in Toni and Gretchen's lives, and I learned a lot, but it ultimately overshadowed their story. I was looking forward to seeing how they handled a long distance relationship as well as how Toni transitioning (or not) affected Gretchen (is she still a lesbian if Toni identifies as male?). Instead, it's buried under all of the labels, stereotypes, and politics of being gender nonconforming.

On top of that, Toni treats Gretchen like crap. When they first came out as genderqueer, Toni doesn't explain it very well, because Gretchen must get it! Gretchen is the greatest and understands everything about Toni! Well, no. Gretchen is confused, but Toni doesn't talk about this stuff with her, only with their new college friends. Then when Gretchen doesn't know what's going on, Toni claims that she just can't ever understand! That's because you don't tell her anything! She's not a mind reader!

Toni also has bad thoughts about just everyone who isn't on the LGBT+ spectrum. Their roommates are awful, but it has nothing to do with them being straight and cisgender. Toni is just disgusted with them for showing cleavage, spending time on their hair, and wearing high heels because they're perpetrating gender norms! Apparently their form of gender expression isn't valid, and everyone should be androgynous? Again, why does Toni get to express their gender how they want, but no one else can?

I also had a problem with how Toni even uses the term genderqueer throughout What We Left Behind. They use it as a political statement rather than an actual identity at times. In fact, during the flashback to Toni coming out to Gretchen, they actually say that they want to challenge society's views on gender roles. Um...plenty of people do just that while identifying as male or female. They're not mutually exclusive. Toni also changes labels A LOT, which is fine, since they're just figuring this out. But at other times, it seemed like they were using genderqueer as a pit stop to identifying as transgender and male. That's like people thinking bisexual is a transitional state between gay and straight. It's not. They're both identities. This also added to my frustration with the story, just throwing around as many labels as possible without considering what they actually mean.

What We Left Behind might be a great read for someone in Toni or Gretchen's positions, or even for someone who knows someone who is. It shows how to have these hard conversations, gives terminology (although probably too many in rapid-fire succession), advice, and support. There's a lot of very important information here that can help someone. However, being marketed as a a romance facing new challenges, it's definitely lacking. The characters felt more like educational tools rather than fleshed out characters. This made it hard for me to stay in the story, because it didn't feel like just a story, but something much bigger. Not that that's a bad thing, but it's certainly not what I was expecting.

What We Left Behind left me frustrated. I wanted more relationship and self-discovery, less instructional guide. I have no doubt others will love this one and feel less alone when reading it. But for me, I could not stand Toni and their hypocrisy, and I especially did not like them trying to tell Gretchen what's best for her. Toni had every right to be selfish and want to work on themself, but just say that, don't make it about something else!


Read more of my reviews at Pinkindle Reads & Reviews.