The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

by Emeritus Professor John M Gottman and Nan Silver

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Over a million copies sold! “An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent—and long-lasting—marriage.”—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
 
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.
 
Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.
 
Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

• ISBN10: 0609805797
• ISBN13: 9780609805794
• Publish Date: 16 May 2000 (first published 16 March 1999)
• Publish Status: Out of Stock
• Out of Print: 11 October 2023
• Publish Country: US
• Publisher: Random House USA Inc
• Imprint: Crown Publications
• Format: Paperback
• Pages: 271
• Language: English

Reviews

[Berls]

So in the last 12 months we had a baby, I started a new career, we moved 2 times, a pandemic hit the world, I got laid off, started a new job, and my then 9 month old had surgery. If that doesn't put stress on a marriage, I don't know what does. And honestly, I feel like we were rocking it until COVID.

Anyway, the stress took it's toll and my therapist recommended this book. It was great! So full of practical advice. Complete with quizzes to check the state of your marriage in each of the 7 principles, tons of activities and talking points and lists to refer to, many real world examples, and realistic explanations. I like that the book doesn't just focus on communication - though that is important - but on the many ways you can be unconsciously hurting your marriage.

We weren't in near as bad a shape as I thought when I started this book and just incorporating little bits here and there have made a world of difference. I like the recognition that healthy marriages are still full of disagreements and conflict - it's how you handle them that makes the difference. I will be referring back to key bits of this book for life I think.

[Joséphine]

Actual rating: 4.5 stars

Initial thoughts: This book isn't just for those who are married but also for those who are planning to marry or maybe even hope to, regardless of whether or not they have a partner. In fact, reading this before marriage could prove to be quite useful in developing communication skills for any sort of relationship — primarily romantic, of course, but also for any close sort of relationship too.

In the beginning, I did feel like Gottman included a great deal of self-praise but considering that this book was first published in 1999 and still is widely circulated today with a revised version does show that he wasn't merely talking himself up.

On a personal level, I've found this book pretty insightful. I'm the sort of person who keeps a lot to herself. Although, I'm also fairly direct, so if something upsets me, I tend to speak up. However, if something upsets me and I'm afraid I'm being unreasonable, I hold back. As a result of reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work with my partner (he actually started it first and asked if I would read it too, so we could discuss some of these ideas), I ended up voicing my displeasure over something that I had downplayed as trivial in my mind. Turns out it did bother me more than I had let on though, and talking through all these feelings allowed him to address them and suggest a compromise that would set my mind at ease. If I hadn't said anything, he would never have guessed what I saw as a problem for me. And while he hates conflict, we realised it's so much better to be uncomfortable with things as early as possible rather than later when these issues have become much more deeply rooted.

Gottman and Silver also included a lot of quizzes and questionnaires that help individuals figure out themselves, encourage couples to know each other more intimately, build on gratitude and affection, and effectively work through conflict. All these are backed up by Gottman's research that has spanned decades. While the book doesn't quite replace a couple's counsellor, I think it does offer a wide range of tools that can definitely help strengthen, or potentially save, relationships.