My Heart and Other Black Holes

by Jasmine Warga

A brilliant and heartbreaking novel perfect for fans of Thirteen Reasons Why.

Aysel and Roman are practically strangers, but they've been drawn into an unthinkable partnership. In a month's time, they plan to commit suicide - together.

Aysel knows why she wants to die: being the daughter of a murderer doesn't equal normal, well-adjusted teenager. But she can't figure out why handsome, popular Roman wants to end it all....and why he's even more determined than she is.

With the deadline getting closer, something starts to grow between Aysel and Roman - a feeling she never thought she would experience. It seems there might be something to live for, after all - but is Aysel in so deep she can't turn back?

• ISBN10: 1467697052
• ISBN13: 9781467697057
• Publish Date: 1 February 2015
• Publish Status: Active
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers Inc
• Imprint: HarperCollins
• Format: Audiobook
• Language: English

Reviews

[Sam@WLABB]

Rating: 4.5 Stars

Aysel's was tired of the isolation following the murder of local Olympic hopeful by her father. She was tired of the "black-slug" of depression, which robbed her of any and all joy. She was fearful of the future, and if she possessed the same evil her father did. She saw suicide as her only escape from it all, but knew she would not be able to do it alone. Therefore, she found a suicide partner, FrozenRobot, aka Roman, but would they be able to go through with their plans once April 7th arrived?

This was a portrait of two broken teens, who were carrying so much pain and grief on their shoulders. Their suffering was so palpable, and it was easy for me to believe that they saw only one way out of their situation.

Both Aysel and Roman's situations were quite sad, but I loved the shift that came when they connected with each other. I appreciated the way Roman's presence in her life helped Aysel see things from a different perspective. Her growth gave me hope, and I loved seeing some light make its way into her life.

Warga did such a wonderful job with this story about pain, isolation, depression, and desperation. Her writing was beautiful and vivid, and I was most impressed with how well she captured Aysel's depression. As Aysel recounted her thoughts to us, I was struck by how her words perfectly described mine, when it came to my depression. I felt the pain and hopelessness, and I shed tears for this young woman.

I have to give Warga extra points for incorporating so much physics into this story. I was delighted by all Aysel's thoughts about and love for my favorite science.

Overall: This was an honest and heartfelt look at depression, which though sad at times, was sprinkled with hope.

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[Bianca]

“I made you happy.”

“Yeah, you made me happy.”

“I can’t make you happy. We can’t let each other make each other happy.”

“Would that be so bad?”

“That would ruin everything.”

[jesstheaudiobookworm]

This book was a rare combination of simple and complex. The topic it addressed (teenage depression/mental illness and suicide) is definitely a profound issue, yet I was able to breeze through this story fairly easily. Warga's writing brings a somber reverence to the discussion of life and death that is extremely thought-provoking, but I never felt overwhelmed by the subject (as can often happen when discussing something so "heavy", such as death). I can understand how this story could be triggering to certain individuals who may be battling depression and/or mental illness. I liken it somewhat to Rainbow Rowell's Eleanor & Park (which I thoroughly enjoyed, as well). Both stories tackle serious (and potentially triggering) issues, but do so in a way that is extremely realistic and compelling. I can also understand how someone would need to be in the "right mood" to read this type of story. If you are looking for a light hearted and frivolous beach read, Honey, this ain't it! But if you want something on the more serious side to make you really think about life, then this is absolutely perfect. To me, it was better than The Fault in Our Stars.

Coincidentally, the narrator for this audiobook (Rebecca Lowman) also narrated Eleanor & Park. Lowman's voice lent an extra air of sobriety to the words. She was the perfect choice for narrator. Someone with a more "perky" or lilting voice would have undermined Warga's work and been completely wrong for Aysel. Lowman is fast becoming one of my favorite narrators.

[nightingalereads]

3.75 stars

[Nany]

Since the beginning I knew Aysel would not do it. I never felt that she was depressed not even sad, I thought that maybe she was angry because of her dad's situation but I couldn't felt that either, and then love came out of nowhere but again I didn't fell it.

So I guess the story was ok but it lacked a lot of emotion.

[inlibrisveritas]

My Heart & Other Black Holes and I almost started out on the wrong foot, and given the subject matter this is one of the few books I would have DNFed if I found it to be too much. However, given some time and a bit more development this turned out to be a great story!

Aysel (Uh-zell) is a main character with depression, and as a result suicidal thoughts. After an incident with her father years ago she’s finding it hard to fit back into her life, and the people around her are not making it any easier…so she finds solace in two things Physics and a site called Smooth Passages. Smooth Passages is a site for those dealing with mental illness, but mostly focuses on the suicidal portion…and not in a healthy growing way. Instead it’s a forum for those who want to commit suicide, and it’s there that Aysel meets Roman. Parts of this book left an awful taste in my mouth, and not necessarily because it was poorly written but because I know it’s plausible and I can even understand most of it. Part of the reason is the way suicide is portrayed, like it’s the golden opportunity, but honestly it made sense. The book is center in Aysel thoughts and to her and Roman suicide is that silver outline, and that’s the most dangerous thing about depression…it will always give you a very good reason for suicide to be an option. Even if the reality of the situation is not as dire as it’s making you believe. So in that aspect I think the book is fairly on point, especially in the teenage mind. When I was a teen my mind fixated on it, the things I truly enjoyed became some sort of accessory to it (like physics for Aysel), and even though this book isn’t the most poetic it definitely gets that messy but totally vindicated thought process.

I can’t say I liked Aysel to begin with, but the funny thing is I can see myself in her. I totally understood the numbness and the overall feeling of fatigue (both physically & mentally). She’s rather blunt, mostly quiet, but she’s smart and has a ton of promise and towards the end of the book I was rooting for her. I feel the same way about Roman, though there were times when I wanted to slap him for being such a flip-flop. I really don’t like people who say one thing while doing the opposite, it’s confusing and it really has the potential to destroy someone. However despite that his story made my heart ache, and while I didn’t really ‘get’ the chemistry between them I did think they have the potential to be great for each other. Just having someone to open up to and have that understanding without judgement is excellent, and I was really glad to see that develop between them.

My Heart & other Black Holes will not be for everyone. I wouldn’t say it’s the best written YA I’ve read on the subject, and it definitely doesn’t shy away from being heavy. The main character isn’t actively looking for meaning in life, and she’s not a poet. BUT I do think it does a good job of getting that dark reality and I think despite it’s heaviness it does show little glimmers of hope throughout it that really make you pull for the characters

[justine_manzano]

This was a difficult one for me. You may wonder why someone who struggles with depression, whose preteen son struggles with depression, would choose a book about two teens who make a suicide pact, but there's an easy answer to that. I have been picking books lately by literally eeny meeny-ing my way through my TBR. Surprise! The book you put on your list years ago, when it wouldn't be nearly as emotionally jarring for you, has you nearly sobbing and eating your nails off on the NYC subway!

And yet.

This book was gorgeous. So many beautiful lines on such a painful subject. So much hope hidden in the pages. The author's use of principles of physics to highlight the potential energy in living and the relativity in how we each see our lives was just so beautiful, and ended up being discussed with my son who may be too young to read this book without turning it into a reason to be more depressed, is actually intelligent enough to understand these two principles of physics. I loved the inherent hope in these universal principles.

While other readers thought the romance between the two main characters was trite and obvious in a YA book, I found it refreshing. The best part about it being that it's not what saved them. What saved them was finally talking to each other about what they were going to. It was opening themselves up. Aysel and, we find, Roman, was not speaking to anyone about her internal life. When she opened herself up to Roman, she slowly began unburdening herself. It happens slowly, so slowly you may miss it (and many readers seem to have missed it) but you can see Aysel freeing herself the minute she starts speaking to people more, acknowledging this feeling inside of her, embracing her potential energy. And Roman is doing the same, even though we don't see it outwardly, we can see it in the way he keeps trying to convince himself that nothing can change, in the way he holds Aysel tighter, in the way he tries to do it on his own before Aysel can stop him. He's made himself this mission, and he feels it slipping and he's grabbing on even harder because he's afraid to let it go. In the end, when they both decide not to, it feels real. And it doesn't feel like a solution, like an ending.

It feels like potential energy.

[Jo]

Originally posted on Once Upon a Bookcase.

When it comes to stories about suicide, I have a strange fascination with them; there's nothing like a tragic story to really get you emotional. So I was really eager to read My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga when I heard about it. It's a great story, but not quite what I was expecting.

Aysel wants to die. She is so deep in her sadness, it's a constant, heavy weight inside her, draining her of all other emotion. Her father is in jail for murder, and his actions have changed her whole life. She has no friends, she is constantly whispered about, even her family look at her with anxiety in their eyes. She is overwhelmed by one fear; what if she turns out like her dad? She can't let that happen. She has to die. So when she sees an advert on a suicide website from FrozenRobot, who is seeking a suicide partner, she responds. FrozenRobot turns out to be Roman, a guy a year older than her, dealing with his own demons. A date is set, 7th April, and Roman is adamant that Aysel simply can't flake out. They're doing this, they have to do this, because Roman can't live any longer. But as the days tick by and 7th April dawns closer, Aysel finds herself developing feelings for Roman. She can't let them distract her though - she has to go.

This book is so good at describing depression. Aysel pictures this giant black slug in her stomach that eats all emotions except her sadness and fear. It's heavy and it weighs her down, and she can't get rid of it, no matter what she does. The black slug is her constant companion. As someone who's had family suffer with depression, the realities of Aysel's mental illness are spot on. She is always sad, always, and she's drowning in it. Being the only teen from a Turkish family (a diverse book!) for miles around, everyone knows who she is when they see her - she lives in a small town, so everyone knows the story, but not everyone knows her, so when people see her, see her colouring, they know she's the daughter of the man who murdered Timothy Jackson. And she sees her fear reflected in her eyes - is whatever caused her father to commit such a heinous crime also part of her genetic code? Then she meets Roman, and she starts feeling things other than sadness. But Roman is even more set on taking his life than Aysel is. His determination is a little scary.

I loved all the science in this book. Aysel is really into Physics, and keeps thinking about potential and kinetic energy. She's learnt in school that energy is never destroyed, only transferred - so what happens to a person's energy when they die? She doesn't know, she doesn't understand, and she can't stop thinking about it. There are various references to Einstein and his theories of relativity, and black holes, and other scientific references, which were really interesting, and really made Aysel stand out as an individual character. She had her quirks, her differences, so she's not your average teenage girl. She felt real.

However, there was something that didn't quite work for me. I wasn't as emotionally hurt by this book as I expected to be. It's a book about suicide, about two teens suffering with depression. I was expecting this book to make me sad, to be emotionally draining and difficult to read because of the deep melancholy that fell off the pages. But it didn't. I was interested in the story, I liked the characters, I wanted to see where they would go, but I wasn't as emotionally invested in it. I didn't even truly feel the romance, sadly. There were some really sweet moments between Aysel and Roman, but nothing that pulled at my heartstrings. Which is really strange, because this book is full of emotion! It just didn't do it for me in that area.

But still, My Heart and Other Black Holes is a really awesome story, and kept me gripped. What was going to happen? Would Aysel and Roman take their lives as planned? Would something happen to stop them? Would something develop between the two of them? Would anyone find out about their pact? The suicide pact element is something I've not read in any other books before, and found it fascinating and disturbing. A great story, and I'd be interested to see what Warga writes in the future.

Thank you to Hodder & Stoughton for the review copy.

[Leah]

I didn't love this book as much as I wanted to, and I don't really have a lot to say, hence this very early non-official GoodReads-only review. It was an interesting story, if a bit sad. I mean, as a teenager you should be happy with life and looking forward to being a grown-up, not planning your suicide and it made me want to weep for all those poor depressed kids out there who don't have the tools to tell someone they're hurting, or don't want to worry someone by telling them, and bottle it all up.

I did like that Aysel and Roman had each other. Yes, they were planning to kill themselves, together, but when they started to get to know each other a tiny kernel of hope began to form and everything didn't seem as bad as it once was before they knew each other.

I wasn't so hot on the love story aspect, it almost needed a longer book if it wanted to delve in to a relationship, it was a bit much for such a short read and for two characters who were clearly deeply flawed, and deeply depressed.

But overall it was interesting. Not as sad as I expected, but not exactly a happy, joyful read either.

[melanchalina]

Я настоятельно советую всем, у кого эта книга в списках прочтению, не ориентироваться на мой отзыв. Не потому что мне не понравилась книга, вовсе нет. Книга мне понравилась, просто она не тронула лично меня, а это не значит, что она не заденет за живое вас. Возможно, я прочитала ее ни в то время и ни в том настроении, возможно при других обстоятельствам – мой отзыв получил бы 5 звезд или 5 с миллионом плюсов, но здесь сейчас, это 3,5.

Депрессия – это распространенное психическое расстройство, характеризующееся снижением настроения и утратой способности переживать радость, нарушениями мышления (негативные суждения, пессимистический взгляд на происходящее и т. д.), двигательной заторможенностью. При депрессии снижена самооценка, наблюдается потеря интереса к жизни и привычной деятельности (© Википедия). Очень часто люди в депрессии задумываются о попытке самоубийства, независимо от того решаются они на этот шаг в конце концов или нет.

Депрессия — это тяжесть, от которой невозможно избавиться, от которой невозможно убежать. Она сокрушает тебя, и любое ерундовое дело — типа шнурки завязать или бутерброд съесть — превращается в подвиг вроде покорения Эвереста.
Депрессия становится тобой. Она в костях и в крови.

«Мое сердце и другие черные дыры» это история двух одиноких, замкнутых подростков, настолько погрязших в черноте своих негативных мыслей и одиночества, что кажется, будто нет ни единого шанса их спасти. Жасмин Варга проделала огромную работу, подробно и точно описав чувства и эмоции людей, окутанных депрессией.

Никто не может понять: депрессия не проникает снаружи, она идет изнутри. Конечно, многое в моей жизни заставляет чувствовать себя одинокой, но надежнее всего изолирует от мира мой внутренний голос.

Книга красивая. Самая история изящно убийственная, полная глубоких мыслей, смысла и настоящих чувств. Проблема самоубийств среди подростков действительно важна в наше время, с тем темпом жизни и отношениями между людьми, что сейчас сложились – статистика людей отважившихся на этот страшный шаг неустанно растет. Я понимаю и принимаю это, мне нравится читать книги на столь глубокие темы, чтобы понять самоубийц, а также найти ответы на многие свои вопросы.

«Мое сердце и другие черные дыры» хороши в этом плане. Здесь у героев есть реальные проблемы и настоящая потерянность и погруженность в себя. Читатель задается вопросом, «а как бы я вела себя на их месте», но с другой стороны были моменты, которые я не понимала. Я не могу сказать, что герои вызвали у меня симпатию. Нет, у меня не было к ним неприязни или отторжения, но в тоже время я не прониклась ими. А если говорить правильнее – я не понимала их.



Главная героиня 16-яя Айзел – девушка, которая больше не хочет жить. Она страдает от депрессии, не испытывает никакой радости, и что-то темное и мерзкое пожирает ее изнутри. Она несет на себе груз вины за преступление своего отца, и именно из-за него считает себя неправильной, сломанной и полной изъянов. Она одинока, потеряна и уверена, что мир без нее станет лучше, потому что иначе Айзел пойдет по стопам своего отца. У девушки нет друзей, нет близких отношений ни с матерью, ни с сестрой. Айзел никогда и никого не подпускает близко, не впускает в свой мир. И, в конце концов, решившись на самоубийство, она понимает, что не сможет сделать это одна. Таким образом, через специальный сайт она находит себе партнера по самоубийству - Замерзшего Робота.



Не знаю, как это описать: чем больше я гляжу на него, тем глубже ощущаю, как печаль заковывает его в кандалы, которые он не в силах сбросить. Пытаюсь представить его без этой печали, без тяжести, не замороженным, но вижу только безнадежно несчастным. Роман выглядит тем, кто был создан для популярности и успеха, но вынужден нести груз печали.

Роман красив, популярен, у него любящая семья и множество друзей. На первый взгляд он невозможно даже представить, что такой человек хочет покончить жизнь самоубийством. У него есть мечты, но Замерзший Робот, что не достоит будущего и исполнения своих желаний.

В то время сама история движется: от знакомства главных героев, до их дружбы и чего-то большего и значимого. Для Айзел - это больше не история о том, как уйти из этого мира, а о том как сохранить и простить самих себя.

Это очень грустная книга, темная и даже угнетающая. Герои живые, их боль чувствуется, как по-настоящему. Но с другой стороны…. Айзел во многом казалась мне довольно эгоистичной героиней. Она сильная, умная девушка, которая просто не хотела бороться за свою жизнь и счастье. Она не думала о своих близких. Более того, она даже не подумала наладить с ними отношения, хотя это могло изменить все. В этом плане Роман более понятен. Его позиция и самобичевание понятны и логичны, его страдания и попытки убежать от реальности имеют смысл.


Этот роман также о том, что любовь меняет людей. Мысль о том, что любовь может нас спасти и изменить жизни сразу нескольких людей вдохновляет. Но если смотреть правде в глаза… конец не был реалистичным, хотя учитывая обстоятельства при которых Жасмин писала книгу, я понимаю, почему она все закончила именно так. И мне жаль, что в книге не прописан момент встречи Айзел и ее отца.

Не смотря на 3,5 звезды (6/10) я советую эту книгу, но только если у вас подобающее для нее настроение.