Before I Let Go

by Marieke Nijkamp

Age range 14 to 17

From the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller This Is Where It Ends!

Days before Corey is to return home to the snow and ice of Lost Creek, Alaska, to visit her best friend, Kyra dies. Corey is devastated--and confused. The entire Lost community speaks in hushed tones about the town's lost daughter, saying her death was meant to be. And they push Corey away like she's a stranger. Corey knows something is wrong. Lost is keeping secrets--chilling secrets. But piecing together the truth about what happened to her best friend may prove as difficult as lighting the sky in an Alaskan winter...




"At its core, Nijkamp's novel is a harsh rebuke of an all-too-common, troubling troupe in many YA novels: fetishizing deeply creative, suicidal teens as "too bright to live." With exceptional handling of everything from mental illness to guilt and a riveting, magic realist narrative, this well wrought, haunting novel will stick with readers long after the final page."-Sarah Hunter, senior editor, Booklist

"Compulsive readability... Intriguingly spooky"-Kirkus

• ISBN10: 1492642282
• ISBN13: 9781492642282
• Publish Date: 2 January 2018
• Publish Status: Active
• Publish Country: US
• Imprint: Sourcebooks Fire
• Format: Hardcover
• Pages: 368
• Language: English

Reviews

[Chelsea]

Read for Popsugar's 2018 Reading Challenge #34: A book that's published in 2018

Warning - this book focuses a lot on mental health (bipolar disorder, suicide) and also has ace rep. I'm no expert on either but they didn't feel well done at all so make sure you know that going in if you decide to read this one.

I'm not really sure what to think of this book. I don't know if I missed the point or if the point was just not there like I think. It just feels like this book had no purpose. The description makes it out to be a kind of mystery but it didn't feel like it. Kyra ends up dead at the beginning of the book and Corey, who had moved away for school, goes back to her hometown for the funeral and whatnot. Corey never seemed to believe her death was an accident for some reason. Apparently Kyra would never even think about suicide, which seemed a little naive on her part because mental health is so much more complicated that this story made it out to be.

Also I''m not sure if the town was supposed to be a cult but it really felt like it. I can't even explain it all but they were obsessed with Kyra for some weird reason when for most of her life they shunned her because of her bipolar disorder? It was just SO confusing. And then the author kind of added an almost paranormal aspect to the book which didn't fit AT ALL.

It was almost like the author tried to right a positive story about mental health and it didn't didn't go well at all. It's not that the mental health issues were portrayed badly exactly but that they didn't fit. In some parts mental health was almost magical and other times the characters were being shunned for it. There was no consistency at all.

All the characters felt pretty boring also. There was no development and I found we really didn't get to know any of them at all. There was a lot of back and forth between present day and the past and some times I swear I didn't know where I was. It was just not a fun book to read at all and it really didn't give me much.


** I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review**

[Jo]

Originally posted on Once Upon a Bookcase.

Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide.

I was such a huge fan of Marieke's debut novel, This is Where it Ends, so I was really excited to read her latest, Before I Let Go. And it's absolutely brilliant!

Corey lived in small town Lost Creek, Alaska her whole life, until seven months ago, when her mum got a new job in Canada. She left her best friend, Kyra, behind, but always planned to come back and visit. Days before her planned return to Lost Creek, Corey receives a phone call to say that Kyra has died - and it looks like suicide. Completely devastated and disbelieving, Corey returns anyway to visit Kyra's parents, Mr and Mrs Henderson, and to attend the memorial. There, she finds that the small town who once scorned her beautiful friend as an outsider for having bipolar, now speak of her reverentially. Things changed in Lost Creek in the past seven months, and people who once wanted Kyra out of the town now sing her praises, and everyone has at least one of the paintings Kyra would paint during her manic episodes. Yet no-one, not even Kyra's parents, will fully explain to Corey what happened to Kyra. There are only the vague answers of "It was her time," and "It was meant to be." As Corey finds out more as the days go by what happened in the past seven months, she starts to wonder if her best friend's death was really suicide.

This book. This book is so good. I loved it, but did I enjoy it? Not at all. The people of Lost Creek are not good people. I'm sure it's not true for all small towns, but Lost Creek is like small towns you see in movies, specifically horror movies; it's its own little world, and they have their own rules, their own way of doing things, and their own prejudices. Through flashbacks, we get to see how life was like in Lost Creak before Corey left. It doesn't matter than Kyra's great grandfather was one of the first settlers to Lost Creek, Kyra didn't belong, and they made no secret of the fact that they wanted her out. It was as if they thought her manic episodes would taint the town, or it was catching. People stared at her in the street, and wouldn't involve her in anything - no party invitations, no asking to join other kids for a coffee, nothing. Everyone knew what the town thought of Kyra, especially Kyra.

So when Corey returns after Kyra's death, she is flabbergasted at the change in the town, and how they talk about Kyra. It's more than them coming to understand her, and thinking of her as one of their own. They venerated her. She was put up on a pedestal, and spoke about as if she were some kind of god. It was weird, but more than that, it was was creepy. I mean, really creepy! I found the people of Lost to be really disturbing, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time I read Before I Let Go. Especially with the constant repetition of the phrases, when talking about Kyra's death, of "It was meant to be," "It was her time," and "So be it." They mourn her, they celebrate her, but they're not surprised or shocked that Kyra took her own life, they don't act like it's a terrible thing that happened to someone so young, someone who was so troubled. And who says, "It was her time" about a teenage girl?! Especially when it's suicide?! Before I Let Go almost feels like a horror story, though it doesn't quite make it. But it definitely shows that people can be scarier than monsters.

Not much happens in the book, however. It's mostly just Corey talking to various people she used to know, and how they're not treating her like an outsider because she left. And because she doesn't understand. She wasn't here, she didn't see what Kyra did for the town. They finally understood Kyra through her art (whatever that means, because I never fully got that), Kyra's art changed the town for the better through her art, and gave them hope. These conversations make up pretty much the entirety of the book, but with each conversation, Corey - and the reader - learn a little more, and the sinister undertones of the book get stronger. There's a subtle magical realism feel to the story that is present throughout, but I can't really talk about how without spoiling the story. Before I Let Go is interspersed with letters that Kyra sent Corey, most of which she didn't reply to. Kyra was having a bad time with her bipolar, and Corey not only wasn't there in Lost Creek, but she wasn't there for her by replying to her letters. Kyra must have felt so alone. She needed help, but the town was too busy being cultist, and Corey wasn't replying to or even opening her letters.

I must point out that this isn't a book about bipolar. Kyra having bipolar is integral to the plot, because it's because she's bipolar that the town treated her one way, and then treated her another. If she didn't have bipolar, there would be no story. But it's not about bipolar. Through the flashbacks and conversations she was with Corey, and her letters, we get an idea of what Kyra's experience of living with bipolar is like, but she's not a narrator, so we're being told rather than shown. I don't feel I came to better understand what living with bipolar is like by reading Before I Let Go. But I don't think I was meant to, because, as I've said, it's not about bipolar, but a town's treatment of a girl who has it.

I loved the relationship between Kyra and Corey. It's so complicated, because, no matter how close they are, even Corey doesn't fully understand how Kyra feels during her manic and depressive episodes, or feels about having bipolar. Their bond is everything to both of them, and yet to me, it always seemed like, despite that, Kyra was so alone, because no-one really understood her. Nobody got it, not really. Kyra has a problem with how Corey sees her, because Corey seems to think Kyra is better when she's manic, but doesn't understand that her manic episodes are just as hard on her as her depressive episodes. I loved how much they loved each other, and how strong their friendship was, but also how it was really complicated. And it get became more complicated when Corey discovers Kyra is in love with her, whereas Corey has never felt attraction to anyone. But I think it shows the strength of their friendship that Kyra being in love with Corey doesn't ruin their friendship, and how together they learn about who they are, and come to realise that Kyra is pansexual, and Corey is asexual. Throughout Corey's time in Lost Creek, their friendship is everything. So I was really disappointed in Corey for not replying to Kyra's letters. I felt so let down by her on Kyra's behalf. Although we come to learn why Corey didn't reply, and maybe even understand, it's still not ok. Her friend was clearly asking for help, and she didn't get it,

I finished the book feeling angry. Angry - no, raging - at the people of Lost Creek, and their treatment of, Kyra, a girl who was ill and needed help. Really, the things they did. They used her, they abused her, and they are abhorrent. When it's finally revealed what had happened to Kyra, I was filled with repugnance, rage, and sorrow. Kyra was failed, in so many ways by so many people. She deserved more, and she deserved better. But I was also angry at how the story ended. Not with Nijkamp,  not in the sense that the ending was a bad one or disappointing, because there is no other way this story could end. And that's why I was angry, because there was no other way it could end, that there are no other possibilities. I just can't begin to describe just how deeply my sadness goes for Kyra. After all she went through, after dying, and yet, that's how it ends. It's unbelievably heartbreaking, and just so wrong.

Before I Let Go is a story that will really tug at you heartstrings. It's so emotional, but also really chilling and creepy, and I'm partly glad I've finished, just so I don't have to spend any more time with those people. Such a powerful novel, I think Before I Let Go may even surpass my love for This is Where it Ends. It's absolutely incredible; a definite must-read that will leave you desperately uncomfortable, and crying out for answers.

Thank you to Sourcebooks via NetGalley for the eProof.

[llamareads]

Trigger warnings: teen suicide, manic/depressive episodes

I was not expecting to receive this book - it showed up as a bonus along with As You Wish, which I'll be reviewing later this week.

I can't quite put my finger on what didn't work for me, but I think part of it is that I'm not usually a fan of magical realism.  For example, there's times when Corey thinks she hears a ghost.  Was it actually a ghost?  Was it her guilty conscience?  Was it someone trying to trick her into thinking there's a ghost?  I don't know, because it's never actually explained.  There's not really any sort of build up of the tension, really - what I suspected happened after the first few chapters is what actually happened.  Instead of building from "normal la la everything's alright" to "AH!!!!" it starts right out at creepy and stays pretty much the same for the rest of the book.

The book consists of a mix of chapters from Corey's point of view interspersed with letters from Kyra, and then weird script-type sections.  For the life of me, I'm not sure what the author was trying to accomplish with those.  They made me feel especially disconnected from Corey, because these supposedly creepy things would happen, and we'd never really get her emotional reaction to them.

That gets into one of the major reasons I couldn't really get into the book: I never really got a good feel for Corey.  Though we see her and Kyra in flashbacks, for the most part, present Corey has just one emotional state: anger.  She's downright belligerent, and seriously, when you're confronting people who you  think are hiding secrets about your best friend's death, wouldn't you try to be, I don't know, a little more circumspect?  I think we're supposed to excuse Corey's bluntness due to grief, but honestly, half the time I wanted to smack Corey for being all self-righteous and "no one else knew her but me!!!!!" to pretty much the entire town, including Kyra's grieving parents.  While there is a large dollop of truth to that, it felt odd to have her confronting them after Kyra's death when she did absolutely nothing to stop her from being ostracized while she was still alive.  While Corey says she doesn't believe Kyra's death was suicide, she never comes up with any theories herself as to what could have happened until she's finally confronted with the truth.

One of the major themes is that Kyra is more than her mental illness, but pretty much all of Corey's memories of her revolve around her BPD, so all we really do see of her is that.  I'm not sure if the author intended it to be that way, but it struck me as odd.  One of the few non-BPD things explored with Kyra is her attraction to Corey.  Corey self-describes herself as asexual, and Keira as pansexual.  Corey has a lot of guilt over Kyra's death, and some of it is that she couldn't return Kyra's feelings in the same way.  While there are several other positive gay relationships in the book, it bothered me that this one had such an unrequited, negative connotation to it.

Storytelling was another theme that ran through the book, including the importance of groups telling their own story, rather than having their story told for them.  At times, Corey sees herself as the only person capable of telling Kyra's story, rather than just a story about Kyra.  I found this part fascinating and wish it had been emphasized more over some of the creepy elements, and if I end up rereading this book, it'll be to explore that theme more.

Overall, I feel like I've been very negative about this book.  But, honestly, it's very readable - I finished it in an afternoon, and while I was reading it, I enjoyed it.  I generally enjoyed the author's style and her lyrical prose, and I felt the descriptions of the Alaskan wilderness and how remote it was were really well done.  I have the author's first book on my TBR list, so I think I'll go back and read that one before deciding if she's a not-for-me author.

[Linda]

This review was originally posted on (un)Conventional Bookviews
*I received a free copy of [title] from [publisher] via Netgalley. This has in no way influenced my voluntary review, which is honest and unbiased *Before I Let Go is a very strange story - dealing with grief, a touch of something maybe paranormal, and friendship.

Story:

Corey is just getting ready to go back home, to her small town in Alaska to see her best friend. However, her friend isn't around to be seen anymore. Kyra dies before Corey makes it back, and Before I Let Go shows all the different emotions Corey goes through. She feels a lot of guilt, because she hasn't written to Kyra as often as she had said she would. She is also very sad. And a bit angry. And most of all, she just can't understand how Kyra could have died that way.

Once Corey arrives in Lost Creek, she feels out of place. She feels unwanted. And she definitely feels lost. Before I Let go is a strange story, because even as we follow Corey's journey through grief and disbelief, there are other subjects lurking as well. Kyra's parents are a big question mark. As are the people who live in Lost Creek. Corey feels like she has been erased from the population just because she went away to college.

Before I Let Go also deals with mental illness, but in a way that felt a bit off to me. Because no actual diagnosis was given. Nor was Kyra followed by doctors. And that definitely made me feel rather removed from the story and the strange plot.

Characters:

Corey has a lot to deal with once she arrives back in Lost Creek. The loss of her best friend is the biggest, of course. But she also has to deal with how the villagers view her - and how they talk about Kyra now that she's dead. Corey also has trouble understanding whom she can trust. As strange things keep happening.

Writing style :

First person present tense for parts of Before I Let Go, while other passages are in third person, past tense narrative. There are letters, post cards, dialogues, and flashbacks to a distant past, diary entries and more.

Feels :

I felt confused. Even as I felt Corey's grief, I still felt confused more than anything else.

 

[helenfarch]

The atmospheric language of this novel directly transports you to the remote Alaskan township of Lost Creek. I found this novel weird and creepy, but in the best possible way. Whilst many questions are left unanswered at the end of the book, the author's writing skill keep you engaged and guessing until the very end.