Before I Let Go

by Marieke Nijkamp

[Jo]

Originally posted on Once Upon a Bookcase.

Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide.

I was such a huge fan of Marieke's debut novel, This is Where it Ends, so I was really excited to read her latest, Before I Let Go. And it's absolutely brilliant!

Corey lived in small town Lost Creek, Alaska her whole life, until seven months ago, when her mum got a new job in Canada. She left her best friend, Kyra, behind, but always planned to come back and visit. Days before her planned return to Lost Creek, Corey receives a phone call to say that Kyra has died - and it looks like suicide. Completely devastated and disbelieving, Corey returns anyway to visit Kyra's parents, Mr and Mrs Henderson, and to attend the memorial. There, she finds that the small town who once scorned her beautiful friend as an outsider for having bipolar, now speak of her reverentially. Things changed in Lost Creek in the past seven months, and people who once wanted Kyra out of the town now sing her praises, and everyone has at least one of the paintings Kyra would paint during her manic episodes. Yet no-one, not even Kyra's parents, will fully explain to Corey what happened to Kyra. There are only the vague answers of "It was her time," and "It was meant to be." As Corey finds out more as the days go by what happened in the past seven months, she starts to wonder if her best friend's death was really suicide.

This book. This book is so good. I loved it, but did I enjoy it? Not at all. The people of Lost Creek are not good people. I'm sure it's not true for all small towns, but Lost Creek is like small towns you see in movies, specifically horror movies; it's its own little world, and they have their own rules, their own way of doing things, and their own prejudices. Through flashbacks, we get to see how life was like in Lost Creak before Corey left. It doesn't matter than Kyra's great grandfather was one of the first settlers to Lost Creek, Kyra didn't belong, and they made no secret of the fact that they wanted her out. It was as if they thought her manic episodes would taint the town, or it was catching. People stared at her in the street, and wouldn't involve her in anything - no party invitations, no asking to join other kids for a coffee, nothing. Everyone knew what the town thought of Kyra, especially Kyra.

So when Corey returns after Kyra's death, she is flabbergasted at the change in the town, and how they talk about Kyra. It's more than them coming to understand her, and thinking of her as one of their own. They venerated her. She was put up on a pedestal, and spoke about as if she were some kind of god. It was weird, but more than that, it was was creepy. I mean, really creepy! I found the people of Lost to be really disturbing, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time I read Before I Let Go. Especially with the constant repetition of the phrases, when talking about Kyra's death, of "It was meant to be," "It was her time," and "So be it." They mourn her, they celebrate her, but they're not surprised or shocked that Kyra took her own life, they don't act like it's a terrible thing that happened to someone so young, someone who was so troubled. And who says, "It was her time" about a teenage girl?! Especially when it's suicide?! Before I Let Go almost feels like a horror story, though it doesn't quite make it. But it definitely shows that people can be scarier than monsters.

Not much happens in the book, however. It's mostly just Corey talking to various people she used to know, and how they're not treating her like an outsider because she left. And because she doesn't understand. She wasn't here, she didn't see what Kyra did for the town. They finally understood Kyra through her art (whatever that means, because I never fully got that), Kyra's art changed the town for the better through her art, and gave them hope. These conversations make up pretty much the entirety of the book, but with each conversation, Corey - and the reader - learn a little more, and the sinister undertones of the book get stronger. There's a subtle magical realism feel to the story that is present throughout, but I can't really talk about how without spoiling the story. Before I Let Go is interspersed with letters that Kyra sent Corey, most of which she didn't reply to. Kyra was having a bad time with her bipolar, and Corey not only wasn't there in Lost Creek, but she wasn't there for her by replying to her letters. Kyra must have felt so alone. She needed help, but the town was too busy being cultist, and Corey wasn't replying to or even opening her letters.

I must point out that this isn't a book about bipolar. Kyra having bipolar is integral to the plot, because it's because she's bipolar that the town treated her one way, and then treated her another. If she didn't have bipolar, there would be no story. But it's not about bipolar. Through the flashbacks and conversations she was with Corey, and her letters, we get an idea of what Kyra's experience of living with bipolar is like, but she's not a narrator, so we're being told rather than shown. I don't feel I came to better understand what living with bipolar is like by reading Before I Let Go. But I don't think I was meant to, because, as I've said, it's not about bipolar, but a town's treatment of a girl who has it.

I loved the relationship between Kyra and Corey. It's so complicated, because, no matter how close they are, even Corey doesn't fully understand how Kyra feels during her manic and depressive episodes, or feels about having bipolar. Their bond is everything to both of them, and yet to me, it always seemed like, despite that, Kyra was so alone, because no-one really understood her. Nobody got it, not really. Kyra has a problem with how Corey sees her, because Corey seems to think Kyra is better when she's manic, but doesn't understand that her manic episodes are just as hard on her as her depressive episodes. I loved how much they loved each other, and how strong their friendship was, but also how it was really complicated. And it get became more complicated when Corey discovers Kyra is in love with her, whereas Corey has never felt attraction to anyone. But I think it shows the strength of their friendship that Kyra being in love with Corey doesn't ruin their friendship, and how together they learn about who they are, and come to realise that Kyra is pansexual, and Corey is asexual. Throughout Corey's time in Lost Creek, their friendship is everything. So I was really disappointed in Corey for not replying to Kyra's letters. I felt so let down by her on Kyra's behalf. Although we come to learn why Corey didn't reply, and maybe even understand, it's still not ok. Her friend was clearly asking for help, and she didn't get it,

I finished the book feeling angry. Angry - no, raging - at the people of Lost Creek, and their treatment of, Kyra, a girl who was ill and needed help. Really, the things they did. They used her, they abused her, and they are abhorrent. When it's finally revealed what had happened to Kyra, I was filled with repugnance, rage, and sorrow. Kyra was failed, in so many ways by so many people. She deserved more, and she deserved better. But I was also angry at how the story ended. Not with Nijkamp,  not in the sense that the ending was a bad one or disappointing, because there is no other way this story could end. And that's why I was angry, because there was no other way it could end, that there are no other possibilities. I just can't begin to describe just how deeply my sadness goes for Kyra. After all she went through, after dying, and yet, that's how it ends. It's unbelievably heartbreaking, and just so wrong.

Before I Let Go is a story that will really tug at you heartstrings. It's so emotional, but also really chilling and creepy, and I'm partly glad I've finished, just so I don't have to spend any more time with those people. Such a powerful novel, I think Before I Let Go may even surpass my love for This is Where it Ends. It's absolutely incredible; a definite must-read that will leave you desperately uncomfortable, and crying out for answers.

Thank you to Sourcebooks via NetGalley for the eProof.