Fifty Shades Darker (50 Shades Trilogy, #2)

by E L James

[clementine]

Okay, so, I heard this was better than the first, and I was like, "Okay, there was a mild cliffhanger except obviously we all know Ana and Edward oops I mean Christian are going to get back together and if it's better I guess I will read it and wallow in my self-loathing" and then I did read it and it was just unbelievably shitty and in no way better than the first.

See, the thing here is that in the first one I could kind of pretend that Christian's freaky abusive controlling thing had to do with his BDSM persona or whatever, but in this one he's like, "Oh no Ana, I love you forever and will give up my BDSM lifestyle for you because you are the wind beneath my shriveled wings, also will you marry me even though we've been dating for like 6 weeks and a week ago I beat you so hard you left me???" and then HE CONTINUES TO BE A FREAKY ABUSIVE CONTROLLING ASSHOLE. So I just couldn't even try to forgive him anymore and it was really frustrating because Ana kept being like, "Oh, Christian, you can't buy the company I am interning for you so you can control my career!" and I was like, "YES, ANA. YOU ARE RIGHT" and then he'd be like "Oh, Ana, I can't keep my eyes off of you. Let us engage in hilariously unpleasntly-described relations!" and she'd just forget all about it. And Kate was in Barbados for like 85% of the book so she couldn't be the voice of reason and then of course by the end she's come around to it and totally ~*~luvs~*~ Mr. Weirdo Abusive Fiancé.

ARGH.

Now, because I made notes and I really have nothing else to say, you can have my notes. Still debating what to do with the notes I made for the first one. Perhaps burn them and forget I ever read these horrendous books? (Wait, too early, I'm still reading the third one.)

I cannot bear to hear any music. [...] Even the jingles in commercials make me shudder.

I just think this is such a ridiculous string of sentences and I wanted to point out its ridiculousness.

I want to struggle out of his hold, to maintain some distance, but his arms are wrapped around me. He's pressing me to his chest. I melt.

What the fuck? NO. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I HATE YOU EL JAMES.

Just because he brought me here, I have to do as he says? Who the hell does he think he is?

Yessss, go Ana. This lasts, like, an entire page/conversation with Jacob Black José until Christian drags her outside, forces her against a wall, and "[their] teeth clash" and "desire explodes like the Fourth of July throughout [Ana's] body" and IT'S OK BECAUSE HE'S HOT!!! Also, can I just emphasize the sentence "Desire explodes like the Fourth of July throughout my body"? Please.

"You. Are. Mine," he snarls, emphasizing each word. [...] "For the love of God, Ana." I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium again. "I'm sorry," I whisper once my breath has returned.

This is just painful to read. Good god.

I frown at Fifty.

God, I hate this nickname. I just really hate it. Stop it. It's not clever or cute or whatever.

So this is how it will be, an agitated, fraught conversation, albet in a very romantic setting but certainly no hearts of flowers.

Let us take a break from all this horrible abusive possessiveness and just bask in the glory that is this shitty sentence.

"You forgot!" he gaps with horror, grabbing the sides of the table and glaring at me.

This is a really intense reaction to Ana forgetting to take her pill like two times. He is then all like "HOW CAN I EVER TRUST YOU?????? I AM GOING TO GET A GYNECOLOGIST TO COME AND ADMINISTER THE DEPO-PROVERA SHOT TO YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!!!" and at one point Ana's like "What if I don't want to? It's my body," and he's like, "NO, IT IS MY BODY" and she's like "Oh yeah." Ugh ugh ugh.

She starts to sing, and her voice is a silken scarf wrapping around me, enveloping me.

My only note in my Kobo for this is "no". I feel that this is reasonable enough.

I allow myself a brief moment to examine his godlike profile

Jeez, for a second there I almost forgot I was reading Twilight fanfiction.

I slide the arrow at the bottom of the screen to unlock it and gasp again. The background photograph is of Christian and me at my graduation in the marquee.

Everyone in this stupid book has annoyingly exaggerated reactions to every fucking thing. Oh my God, Ana, Christian made a picture of you two the background of the iPad he gave to you as a "sorry I belted you really hard" present? HOW SHOCKING.

Though I was never a cheerleader - the bitter thought crosses my mind.

This just came out of nowhere. Ana was like "Oh I am so mad at you for being a control freak but you are smiling so I am going to giggle but I WAS NEVER A CHEERLEADER, AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU???????"

His eyes darken

What does this even mean? She says it all the time and I'm beginning to think Christian Grey has really talented eyes because what the hell, man.

"Well, Anastasia, my new motto is that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I gape at him - I can't believe he's just said that

Why the hell not? There was nothing even remotely surprising or witty about this. Jesus, girl, you are easily impressed for someone who we are constantly told through every other character is ~*~so intelligent~*~

panty

I don't remember the context of this (this solitary word is highlighted in my Kobo, lol) but all I know is that GOD I WISH THEY WOULD STOP USING THIS WORD. It makes me think of a six-year-old, which is really inappropriate.

Mr. Grey has an eclectic taste in music.

No he doesn't. He listens to a wide variety of music, as do most people. Shut up.

"It's Friday," I mutter quickly. "So - have you any plans this weekend?|

Come on, who even talks like this? I don't care if you majored in English or whatever, NO. Especially because she's having this conversation over drinks at a bar. Just... no. Stop, please. Please stop.

A hundred images dance through my head: the iPad, the gliding, flying to see me, all his actions, his possessiveness, one hundred thousand dollars for a dance. Is this love?

God, are we still debating this? I thought we'd resolved this in the last book. (Also, yes, Christian paid $100,000 so that his shrink wouldn't dance with Ana. Which is kind of strange that his shrink bid like $25k to dance with his fucked up patient's girlfriend, but okay.)

The walls are hung with movie posters: The Matrix, Fight Club, The Truman Show

I highlighted this because it was the one thing I've read in these books so far that I thought was actually marginally clever. Christian has a preoccupation with metaphysics! Neat! Okay, moving on...

"That's very rude, Mr. Grey. I know some people who get positively violent at eye-rolling." "Do you know?" His tone is ironic.

Yo, EL James, here is a friendly tip: when your character says something that is clearly sarcastic, you don't have to tell us that his tone is ironic! You're a shitty writer. I hate you.

Yes, my body is his... he knows it better than I do.

AUGHHHHHHHHH

I take [the condom] between my teeth

Yooooooo, guys, sex ed 101, don't do that. Do you want to get knocked up with a mutant vampire baby??

"I don't want you going to work."

Isn't that, like, one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship?

Could I ever leave him again - no matter what he did to me? Could I betray him like that? No. I don't think I could.

aughjklllll;;;'\ [explodes]

Christian answers my unspoken question

Okay so you can do this once in awhile and just chalk it up to intuition or coincidence, but if you do it every 3 pages that's just being a lazy fucking writer.

"When I robbed you of your virtue"

I didn't highlight the rest of the sentence because MREH SERIOUSLY nice medieval views of virginity, Christian. Edward Cullen was like 108 years old, what the fuck is your excuse?

"What would you like to drink, Anastasia?" I glance at Christian, who regards me expectantly. Oh, he's going to let me choose.

Oh my goodness, your boyfriend is going to let you CHOOSE what you want to drink? However will you cope with the pressure??? (Spoiler: by ordering what he orders lol)

as if I am the air he needs to breathe

once again we do not need full context because this is just g-ross

He laughs and then is distracted by his Blackberry, which must be on vibrate because it doesn't ring.

This thoroughly useless detail was already mentioned at another time when he took a call. I don't understand why it was in there the first time and certainly not why she thought she should mention it again. We get it, bro, Christian's phone is on perma-vibrate.

His heart is beating a frantic, pounding tattoo beneath my fingers.

Once again let us just think about this awful excuse for a sentence.

Why can't I take a little more pain for my man?

Ana is actually struggling with this. I am struggling with... everything about this. Jesus Christ.

With a heavy sigh and a last glance at Seattle spread like cloths of gold at my feet, I decide to call Ray.

I feel EL James once in awhile was like, "Yo, I'm just writing porn so let's throw in a metaphor to keep it classy" and it NEVER WORKS.

He torments the first one

(Here we are talking about Ana's nipples.) THIS DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A THING THAT'S GOOD. Just, like, could you at least TRY to make this sound appealing???????????

The feeling is heady, I'm not just powerful - I'm omniscient.

Ana knows how to please her weirdo possessive boyfriend and all of a sudden she's basically God? Bitch, please.

"Oh please, Christian," I plead.

And here EL James takes a page out of the Stephenie "Traitor tears slipped down my cheeks, betraying me" Meyer writing handbook.

He glares at me, his eyes hooded and heavy.

More weird descriptions about eyes that are actually not descriptive because they mean jackshit. What the hell is a hooded eye?

He doesn't take his eyes off mine; he doesn't need to see what he's doing. Hmm... he's done this before.

Really, Ana? He's cuffed people before? You don't say! The man who introduced you to BDSM has done BDSM-type things in his life? A true revelation!

Maybe Ray, he wouldn't get emotional - he never gets emotional, not even when the Mariners lose.

Just in case u forgot he was a man!!!!! OLOL!!! HE LIKES SPROTS!!!!!

"We'll probably fly to Vegas tomorrow," he growls at her, and he's rewarded with a full-on Mia Grey pouty grimace.

I was very intrigued by the concept of a pouty grimace so I did this for you.



"You going to put some jeans on or something?"

Christian is angry because slutty Ana wants to buy some sugar or some shit wearing a short sundress! They then proceed to have a fight about this and Ana is like "brah chill" and goes to the store like that and then she comes back and he's supah angry and then they both apologize (rare for Christian so it's a step I guess) and she sits in his lap and they have make-up sex for like the stupidest fight ever????? idk I just zoned out at this point because it was so fucking stupid.

Anyway those are all the notes I have and I hope they entertain you because if something good can come out of the fact that I read this piece of shit I will be happy.