If I Can't Have You

by Charlotte Levin

[Leah]

If I Can’t Have You is one of those books that grabs you by the scruff of the neck and you can’t stop thinking about it even when it’s over. I had to put it down so many times in disbelief at just how good it was. Or a particular quote that caught my eye. There is honestly so much to unpack, so much to take in and if I’m being absolutely, truthfully honest, I 100% understand what led Constance to do everything she does. Did she go too far? Absolutely yes. But I completely understand what made her do what she did. All of it. Because haven’t we all fallen for someone we haven’t? Been a bit mad over them? I guess the difference between me and Constance is that I don’t act on my feelings, but I also get how easy it would be to become that obsessed with someone.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I absolutely loved Constance. I didn’t find her narrative to be untruthful and she was, more or less, a fairly solid, stable character. Her acts of madness were all done following something that hurt her, so while (again) it wasn’t right, it made sense. I could see it how she saw it. Falling in love is messy, and it’s even worse when it’s one-sided. And even more worse than that, when the person you’re in love with but doesn’t love you back strings you along, so you believe there IS feelings there. It’s why dating is so messy. Once you through sex into the mix, unless you’ve explicitly talked about where you go after, you only have your emotions to guide you and I know as well as many, that my emotions can make me do bad, reckless things; it’s just my nature that I do them to myself, rather than others. Whereas Constance does it to others.

I think I related to Constance so much because she is me in so many ways. She’s wry and funny and makes sharp observations that are completely true. In one scene, she says that everyone leaves her and that’s her fault and I felt that in my soul, because it seems that that happens to me a lot. I know what it feels like to fall in love for the first time with someone you could imagine being with forever and how it feels to not have that reciprocated. How there truly is a fine line between love and hate. And how you can feel both at the same time. How the way someone treats you dictates your mood. Constance is ME. And I’d dare say, most women will recognise at least something in Constance that they can relate to themselves, too, but for me, it was everything. Everything Constance thinks and says is things that I’ve thought and said.

It’s pretty much like in this novel, there was only Constance. Yes, there were other characters – Samuel (bleurgh), Dale (absolutely rank), Edward (loved him), and the colleagues Constance works with, but in essence this novel IS Constance. It’s all about her and all of the other characters pale in comparison. They’re there but you don’t really care about them (except for Edward). I liked Dr Franco, too, actually. I don’t give him enough credit. But like the characters are all there FOR Constance, if that makes sense. This might sound crazy, but this novel may as well have Constance’s name on the cover. And that is massive, massive props to Charlotte Levin as a writer. It read like a true story.

People genuinely don’t realise how badly they effect others. Yes, Constance clearly had issues before but it’s really mental how a throwaway comment from someone or a truth from someone you love can turn you into a completely different person. And the worst thing is that people don’t realise. And when they do, they act like the victims. Like Samuel and Dale were the worst toxic males I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading about. And yet it was Constance’s fault she did what she did, rather than the men’s fault for being absolute, weak bellends.

I absolutely loved everything about If I Can’t Have You. Charlotte Levin is absolutely incredible. Her writing is sharp and fresh. The pace of this novel was fantastic, the ending was genuinely satisfying, but her creation of Constance was perfect. PERFECT. I don’t think I will ever, ever, meet a character who I completely understand the way I understand Constance. I have been left in a state of very satisfying shock and I implore you to read this book.