Reviewed by clementine on
1) I have all the same issues with this one as I did with the previous two.
2) It REALLY bothers me how so many things are misrepresented (BDSM being the obvious one) or presented as perfectly normal when they're not. Obviously there's the controlling, abusive relationship presented as ~*~wonderful~*~ and ~*~loving~*~, and there's Ana's messed up, disordered eating that's just ~*~a quirk~*~ even though not eating a solid meal for like 5 days until your husband forces you to is NOT JUST A QUIRK.
3) The ending was so ridiculous. I understand a happy ending, but the whole "Ana's best friend marries Christian's brother and the two servants who everyone loves marry each other" thing was 100% ridiculous.
Alright, here are my notes since I just can't talk about this anymore without going crazy.
"I know you had an unconventional start to your relationship, but I can see how happy you've both been over the past month. Besides, it's too late now," she adds with a grin. I giggle. Trust Kate to point out the obvious.
EL James, do you even think about what you're writing? You have Kate make a joke about how it's too late for Ana to leave Christian because she just married him and you have your narrator miss the fact that it's a joke and be like "THANKS, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS." No, Ana. It's a joke. You're an idiot.
"This rocks! No wonder Christian never lets me drive."
Presented without comment.
Several sunbathers on the beach watch with that bemused disinterest so typical, I now realize, of the French as Christian carries me to the sea, laughing, and wades in.
Okay, first of all, this sentence is a pile of vomit that has been mixed around and left in the sun for awhile. What are you DOING, woman? This is barely English. Second of all, you throw around the word "bemused" a lot, and I don't think it means what you think it means. The term "bemused disinterest" is nonsensical.
"Sure," I say brightly, trying to hide my disappointment that I'll be without him for an hour. Is it freaky that I want to be with him all the time?
Yes, Ana, yes.
"Can I get you anything?" I ask. He smiles his sweet shy smile.
Really? REALLY? Can you not at least attempt consistent characterization? There is not one thing about Christian Grey that would make me think for a second that he would have a sweet shy smile.
My subconscious looks up from her book - The Complete Works of Charles Dickens, Vol. I - with alarm.
I feel like EL James is getting way too into the whole subconscious/inner goddess thing and thinks it's super clever to do this shit even though it's not, and also that she wants to show us that's she so smart!!!! and knows literature!!!!!!! and doesn't just write erotica for bored housewives!!!!!!
I gaze in horror at the red marks all over my breasts. Hickeys! I have hickeys! I am married to one of the most respected businessmen in the United States, and he's given me goddamn hickeys.
Okay, so, this whole thing kicks off a huge fight between Ana and Christian. Ana's mad and won't talk to him, and he's like "Why are you made at me??" and she gets all hostile and stands up for herself for once and it's kind of like, ooookay, whatever, and then it becomes evident that Christian did it because Ana decided to be topless on a topless beach where nobody gives a shit if you're topless and he doesn't want her to be able to be topless so nobody else can look at what's his!!!!! and it's like "WHAT. THE. FUCK."
Drinking in his scent, I curl around him, trying to ignore the loss and devastation I felt in my dream, and in that moment, I know that my deepest, darkest fear would be losing him.
1) What is this sentence? 2) Ick. 3) WHY DOES IT TAKE YOU SO LONG TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT? We all know it's your deepest, darkest fear to lose him, for god knows what reason. Christ, Ana, you're a fucking idiot.
"I know I've objectified women for so long," he says and pauses awkwardly.
I just find this so weird, because once in awhile EL James drops these weird self-aware sentences that just confuse me. But, also, I don't think that Christian's previous BDSM relationships actually were necessarily about objectifying women, and I think it says a lot about EL James' understanding of BDSM that she thinks that. I do, however, think that Christian does a lot of objectifying Ana.
Argon? It rings a distant bell from chemistry class - an element, I think.
Come on, Ana. You're not smart. I never even took chemistry and I know that argon is an element. Please. For all this talk of the medulla oblongata in the first book, you're not actually that intelligent.
"When you frown, a little V forms here. It's soft to kiss."
So, first of all, this is lame because that happens to everyone when they frown so it's not some freaking revelation. Second of all, this line is repeated at the end of the book because apparently it's super poetic and romantic? NO. STOP IT.
His shorts fall a little and hang... in that way so his swim trunks are visible beneath.
This is where EL James gives up trying to pretend she possesses an extensive vocabulary. Okay, great, in that way, I totally know what you're talking about, stupidhead.
"Oh, darling girl! Thank you, thank you!"
This is Christian's mother thanking Ana for being the perfect woman for him and making him whole or whatever. And this is where it's so obvious this is fanfiction, because everything happens perfectly and Ana fixes the broken Christian to the delight of his adoring family who are totally cool with their forever-single, fucked up, extremely rich son marrying some boring, not very bright chick after six weeks of dating.
It always comes back to sex with him. Sex is his coping mechanism.
Wow, Ana, you finally noticed? What an observant person you are!
Holy cow, he really does love me.
I THOUGHT WE WENT OVER THIS IN THE LAST BOOK. STOP IT, ANA. YES, HE REALLY DOES LOVE YOU. HE MARRIED YOU. JESUS CHRIST.
"Well, Mrs. Grey, it seems that you are not only decorative, but useful, too."
This is immediately explained to be JUST CHRISTIAN'S FUNNY JOKING!!!! but, like, it's kind of exactly how he sees Ana so it's less funny and more icky.
amused gratitude
I hate her stupid descriptions. I hate them. You don't get "bemused disinterest" and "amused gratitude". Not every emotion needs to be described with another, completely unrelated emotion. Stop it.
Long dark lashes fan across his cheeks
Your eyelashes would have to be like three inches long for them to actually fan across your cheeks. I don't like this.
"I want your world to begin and end with me," he says, his expression raw.
Okay, ignoring the weird idea of a "raw expression" which I really don't know what to make of, AUUUUUUUGH. NO. STOOOOOOOOP.
I sniff. "It's just... it's just sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how much I love you," I whisper.
I am going to vomit into a trash can. Seriously. I feel ill. STOP.
my nipples are hotwired to my groin
I just do not like this one bit.
"You seem to have studied your ex-boss in some detail, Mrs. Grey."
Okay, so here's the deal. In the previous book Jack attempted to rape Ana, and she kicked him in the balls and then Christian (who, remember, bought Ana's company so he could control her career) fired him. Then someone burned down one of his buildings and they're watching the footage and Ana's like, "Oh yeah that's Jack," and instead of being like, "Oh, wow, good job, Ana," or "Holy shit your ex-boss who TRIED TO RAPE YOU burned down my building??????" he's like, "OMG ANA WERE YOU LOOKING AT HIM????? SLUT"
"You've spoken to her?" I whisper, all the blood draining from my face.
My, my, Ana, all the blood draining from your face is certainly a strong physiological reaction to Christian potentially having a conversation with a woman who is his ex. I mean, I get that you don't like her, but to his credit (and you know it pains me to give Christian Grey any credit) he has never given you any reason to believe she's a threat to you, so maybe tell your blood to get back in there.
"I don't want a fight. I was coming to ask you if I could take my care." "No. You can't," he snaps. "Okay," I acquiesce immediately.
NOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOoooOOO!!!!!! (Also, on the same page is "Well, at least he's letting me to go to work." Oh, GREAT. What a WONDERFUL, UPSTANDING man he is.)
I flit through our conversation last night.
I'm sorry, "flit" is just not an appropriate verb here. Fucking stop it. I hate you.
Then his lips are on mine again, plundering my mouth, taking all I have to give.
Seriously, people, least appealing writing ever.
My subconscious sucks her teeth, wearing her happy face.
I don't know who I hate more, Ana for her delusions of her goddamn subconscious or EL James for thinking this is somehow, in ANY WAY whatsoever, a clever device.
This is not love. It's revenge. "Red," I whimper. "Red. Red."
I don't really have any comments for this. Just... you know, this was horrible to read and reading it again it makes me mad that EL James thought it was appropriate to have Ana and Christian live happily ever after. This is such a gross violation of Ana's boundaries and it's just UHASDFJKMGLF NO. BAD.
"Christian, I will always love you. No matter what you do to me."
Oh, okay. I guess it's okay that he totally played with yor head, made you feel like shit, and made you have to use the safe word for the first time ever just because he was mad at you for some stupid reason. I HATE YOU, EL JAMES.
She smiles broadly, revealing perfect all-American teeth between scarlet lips that match her bowtie.
I don't get it. What are all-American teeth? Seriously. I guess EL James is used to all the British people around her with bad teeth or something? I DON'T KNOW???? This makes me angry because I don't understand it.
Taylor and Mrs. Jones... Wow! I'm reeling. I always thought Mrs. Jones was older than Taylor.
OH NO GOD FORBID AN OLDER WOMAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A YOUNGER MAN. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ARE MARRIED TO A MAN WHO IS OLDER THAN YOU, ANA!!!!!!!!!!
My mind flits back to my last visit to OHSU, when, on my second day, I fell off a stepladder at Clayton's, twisting my ankle.
Clumsy is not a personality trait, but EL James is trying damn hard to convince us it is.
"No. Not at you." He kisses my shoulder. "For once." I smile. Not mad at me. This is progress.
Progress for who? Ana for not pissing off Christian by breathing? Christian for not flipping his shit at Ana over the smallest stuff? Either way it's kind of fucked.
Oh, the difference his presence makes to my peace of mind.
Ana's dad is lying in a hospital bed after being hit by a drunk driver and Christian walks into the room and all of a sudden Ana's like, "Eh, whatever, dad, my hot husband is here, EVERYTHING IS GREAT."
"I wanted to show you the fucking world and now... Fuck. Diapers and vomit and shit!"
Okay, so, this is when it gets really really bad. Ana gets pregnant and Christian fucking flips out on her and leaves her alone to cry and wallow and it's just the worst thing ever and I don't know how she forgives him for acting like such a shithead when he should be there for her instead of ACCUSING HER OF DOING IT ON PURPOSE.
After one last look at my angelic, sleeping Judas, I leave the bedroom.
VOMIT. She finds incriminating texts on his phone and he comes back totally piss-drunk after yelling at her about being pregnant and she's still thinking this way. ahsfjikl,dfcvb;.'
"You have two minutes," he hisses at the nurse
Okay, so, Ana's crazy ex-boss who tried to rape her kidnaps Christian's annoying sister Mia and Ana has to get him five million dollars and then she shoots him and ends up in the hospital and the nurse has stuff to do to take care of her and Christian is like "NO, YOU CANNOT TAKE CARE OF MY PREGNANT WIFE WHO WAS JUST BEAT UP BY HER PSYCHO EX-BOSS WHO TRIED TO RAPE HER AND WANTED TO MURDER MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!"
He mouths something at me. I think it's 'foolhardy', but I'm not sure.
Okay, really? I find it hard to believe that Christian would use the word foolhardy because WHO EVEN DOES THAT? Once again, Edward Cullen has the excuse of being born in 1901. Christian does not have an excuse. Also, hello, that's not the kind of thing people mouth so often that you would just be like, "Oh, yeah, my husband just mouthed 'foolhardy' at me. Makes sense."
"Ana, this si what I do. I'm not usually motivated by revenge"
OH, REALLY, CHRISTIAN???????????????????? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOUR ENTIRE LIFESTYLE IS ABOUT??????????
Christian kisses Ted's copper-colored hair, and blows him a kiss on his cheek
Oh, yes, the book ends with their perfect idyllic family living in their new family home with their married servants and their son who looks exactly like Christian and Ana pregnant with a daughter who Christian can't wait to protect in a creepy, overbearing, paternalistic way. How wonderful.
That's all, folks.
Reading updates
- Started reading
- 3 July, 2012: Finished reading
- 3 July, 2012: Reviewed