Existence (Existence, #1)

by Abbi Glines

[nitzan_schwarz]

YOU CAN ALSO FIND THIS REVIEW AND MORE ON AFTERWORDS

Once upon a time, all the way back in 2012, I heard about Existence by Abbi Glines. Wherever I looked, people loved it. So, naturally, I thought I would love it too. Oh boy, how wrong I was. This was the book that introduced me to the concept of hating a book. HATING. I guess we all have that one. This was mine.

The crux of the problem was Pagan, the main character. She is such an awful main character, her ridiculous name the least of her problems.

First of all, she's a user. She is in love with a guy name Dank (no joke), and yet she dates this other guy named Leif (again, I swear to god these are their names). So, in my book, that makes her shady af. But if that's not bad enough, she is also a stinking c h e a t e r okay?? She kissed another guy while having a boyfriend.

Second, she has a fierce case of the Bella Syndrome, which is when a girl is sooooo in love with a guy that when he leaves she breaks into tiny little pieces and can't live anymore. That's pathetic. Girls are stronger than that, dammit!

So I was already hating on her when the book decided to declare her "soul" beautiful. Oh, and on top of that, she's brave and strong. Ehhh, hello? Who is this Pagan you're talking about and can we have this book be about her instead? I feel like that'd be a much better read than this pathetic mess!

Now, I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I hated the romance. I kind of hinted toward that already, but let's go into details. For one thing, it's freaking insta love. Like, couldn't you have at least given me a satisfying relationship to hold on??? There is no why, when or how to it. She sees him and BAM she's in love.

But it wasn't even a healthy love. He became the entire reason for her existence. That's not good, y'all!!

But then, to top that off you have Dank. This guy, okay? It's supposed to be impossible for him to fall in love with a human, because reasons. Ergo, the person that makes him fall in love should be super smart, and good, and all around amazing. Well, Pagan's special alright... (e)special(ly) annoying. I guess some guys find that attractive?

The accumulation of all these annoying things is the showdown. Or whatever the hell that was.

So, there is the whole self sacrifice deal so Dank could live. But twist! It doesn't work like that so instead she must be brave and live so that his sacrifice wouldn't be for nothing. Ahhh, but gotcha! Choosing to live without the meaning of your existence is actually the biggest sacrifice of all, and oh, how brave and strong you are Pagan to endure it. Your reward.... huzzah, he's alive!

When do I get to shoot myself?? Seriously, what is this crap and why do people love this?

The single endurable thing about this whole mess is the last line. The last line. It made me consider for a millisecond reading the next book before I caught myself and burst out laughing.

As for the writing... It was okay. Yeah, that's the best I've got. I often felt like Glines dragged things way too long, and occasionally the speech was completely fake and unnatural. So, yeah, I wasn't super impressed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Now, I would like to backtrack a little bit. I do think that my disappointment could've been less severe if the summary didn't reveal what Dank was

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Old Version of this review from the first two blogs haha
Originally posted on my blog. Re-Reviewed on May 28, 2015

I was literally surprised I survived this. 

Existence was the first book I truly hated. I don't hand one-stars easily. Me giving someone a one-star is basically me saying: "I applaud you for going through the process of writing an entire novel and getting it published, but there is literally nothing I liked about this book."

And usually, I can find a nugget or two of things to love to veer off that harsh assessment. In Existence, however, try as I may I couldn't.

The crux of the matter was Pagan, the MC. She is not a good character in my book, for many reasons:

a. She uses Leif - dates, kisses and messes around with him when she knows she's in love with Dank (more on that later), because he's "real". First, it makes you a horrible human being. Second, kissing another guy when you have a boyfriend also makes you a stinking cheater.

b. The Bella Syndrome - I hate it when girls turn desperate for a guy to the point they'll break into tiny pieces if he's gone. It's pathetic, in my eyes. We're stronger than that, damnit!
I can't reconcile the fact so many people hate New Moon yet love Existence, when they have the exact same character.

In accordance to those, you'll have to forgive me for gagging when the characters of this book claimed her "soul" was beautiful. Or that she's brave and strong, when every act she's committed pointed to her being weak, scared and needy.

The next in a long list of major turn-offs is the romance, which I'm sure comes as no surprise to you.

The romance is, to put simply - insta love. And insta love is never a satisfying romance. Pagan falls in love with a guy she knows nothing about, and there is no why, or when to it. The best I can figure out is she finds him sexy. Blah.

It felt like she fell in love with him at the snap of a finger. And not a healthy kind of love, either. He becomes the reason for her existence (see what I did there), without him - she is nothing, which I just can't endorse no matter what, even if there was good reason for her to be madly in love with him (which, again, there isn't!)

And let's not forget Dank returning her feelings--

What did she ever do to earn his love, especially as the crux of the thing is how impossible it is for him to fall for a human. Ergo, the person who manages to accomplish that should be special.

She's special alright... (e)special(ly) annoying and hateful.

And if that's not enough, the showdown is one of the most disappointing things I've ever read of. Nothing actually happened!

She chose to sacrifice herself so Dank could live but, wait, that doesn't work like that. So instead she chose to live so his sacrifice won't be for nothing. But, turns out, that's the biggest sacrifice she could've made because she sentenced herself to a pitiful existence without the meaning of her life (whom she'd known maybe two weeks, and knows nothing about aside for his sexiness.) Yes, so awful. Insert eye roll here, please.

It's just bull! But even stupider is how everyone claps her on the back and tells her how brave and strong she is. And as a reward...  he's back! yay! nay...

Shot. Me. Now.

The maybe only bright spot in this whole debacle is the last line of this book. It was surprising enough to make me consider for a millisecond to read the next book to find out what happens with it (than I laughed at myself). It was also too surprising, as in - there weren't any hints of what was coming. And I did look for them, because the summary for book two spoils the big secret.

As for the writing... I was not impressed. At all. Half the time, it felt like Glines was dragging things way too long (as can be demonstrated by Dank's song to Pagan. The song started really well, but it continued where I felt it should've ended verses ago, taking from the impact and beauty). And the speech sometimes felt completely fake and unnatural for young people.

The only thing I can say in defense of this book is that my major, AHHH I HATED YOU disappointment has to do with the summary. The summary is great on it's own--made me read the book, didn't it? But it also took from the whole story because it told us what Dank was. Maybe if I had to discover alongside Pagan who and what he was, it could've helped me identify with her, and than maybe I would've given the book closer to 2.5 stars. Not the best of ratings either, but not nearly as harsh as one-starring.

(also, notice the high usage of "maybe").

Originally posted on my blog. Re-Reviewed on May 28, 2015. 


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Original review, once-upon-a-time (I didn't even have a blog!):

So… Yeah, I didn't really like this book, at all. I see many of you disagree, and that's okay – it just didn't do it for me. The summery was so promising – and I loved it. I was sure I'd like this book, but I was wrong. The idea is very nice, but it is poorly executed.
Let's start by saying her name somewhat threw me off. Between the time I got the book and the moment I read it passed some considerable time. Therefore, I didn't remember what the main character's name was going to be, so when I read "Pagan" I had to pause there for a moment and think. No offence for Pagans out there, it's just not a name I'm used to or have ever heard before, neither is Leif for that matter, and it made me blink there for a second.
Discovering I didn't like said Pagan, at all, didn't help. I truly and honestly couldn't figure out what either guy found in her. There was nothing in her I felt should draw two hot guys to her, and I found her soul far from "beautiful".
At first I thought she wasn't too bad. Not great, mind you, but okay. Then she turned from fine to horrible very quickly. First of all – her usage of Leif. She claims to fall madly in love with Dank, yet kisses and messes with Leif, just because he is "real". That annoyed me, and frankly just struck me as stupid. Then there was her neediness. I hate when girls turn all desperate for a guy. I love, love, love romance, but I believe a girl can also be strong and not break into tiny, tiny pieces when the guy vanishes. I loved Twilight, but hated New Moon because of how Bella acted. Talk about pathetic, for both Pagan and Bells. They all think she's so brave and strong, but all I saw was weak, scared and needy.
Then, another major turn off for me, was their love. It was just so… unsatisfying, you know what I mean? Like, when and why does she fall in love with Dank? I get she thinks he's sexy, but it wasn't love-at-first-sight or something, because if it was; why would she feel so hurt by Lief missing their appointment to be with his ex that she'd freaking get into a car accident? Not buying it. Then, was it when she woke up in the hospital and he sang for her? I mean, yeah – romantic and sweet. Enough to make someone fall desperately in love with someone (who they don't even know)? Not so much, least not in my book. Later on, when he protected her? Possibly, but it seemed as if she was already feeling strongly by that time, and I just couldn't tell why. I couldn't tell why he liked her, either. What did she do to get him to fall for her, especially as it is so impossible to making him love a human or something.
Their entire relationship was just so very sudden – Out of the blue, they talk extreme need and desire, but I couldn't feel the love development… which is something I find highly bothersome in some books.
I did not feel it. At all. When she starts talking about the hole in her chest and having to find a way to live without him (what, he's been in your life… two weeks? A month? And now he's the reason of your existence? Are you tripping, sister?) I was about to go crazy. I mean, seriously, I did not feel her falling in love with him that much, if at all. What did they have aside for the physical reaction? Where's the depth of their relationship. He sang her to sleep. BAM. She's madly in love to the point she gets herself committed. WTF?! I'm having a real hard time with it.
The ending was nice. In that very-anti-climatic-sort-of-way. At least, the "showdown" was extremely disappointing. Nothing happened; she was drawn out of her life. Things got explained to her. She chose death. She got death. She chose life. She got Dank. End of story. I mean, she supposedly "sacrificed" herself, to a pitiful life without the so called meaning of her life, whom she'd known so little time and knows really nothing about, other than he's sexy and they have great physical chemistry. It really pisses me off; I expected more depth of their relationship, of their… everything. When Gee starts saying she's special and not weak emotionally at all I was like "really? She's not weak? And special? How so? Are you all crazy?" I couldn't see it – at all.
However – I liked that the book ended on such a surprising note. Of course, I knew that little secret about Leif because I read the summery of the next book (and even though I tried to find clues for said secret in the text while reading, found about none), but I loved how Dank played it.
I didn't enjoy the writing half the time, either. Sometimes, like in the song, it drag on and on and on. I'd read the start – feel this was going to be a beautiful song, then have it ruined by it dragging on and on and on. Sometimes, best keep things short. Then, there was the way they, and Pagan in particular, expressed themselves, that felt fake sometimes. Words that somehow didn't feet with the young mouths saying them clashed in my mind.
In general, I didn't like this. I will still read the next book – because I want to see what'll happen and I still have some hope their relationship will be redeemed in my eyes and deepened in the next installment, if only because the idea of falling in love with death in so interesting, and I'd hate to hate books with such an idea.
Also, I hated the summery. I loved it, because it was great and rocked (it was better than the book itself) – but it kind of ruined the whole point right on the first sentence, what with revealing Dank as Death and such. I believe, had I not known who he was, it might've been more interesting – trying to figure out Dank's identity together with Pagan. Might have made me connect to her better, too.

To read the organized (and shorter) version of this review and more go to my blog; Drugs Called Books!