Beauty Queens

by Libba Bray

[nannah]

DNF @14%

Just couldn't do it, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I know it's satire, but it should at least be well-written satire. This isn't. Not even close. I'm not going to waste my time with this.

Basically from what I read, a plane full of pageant girls crashes on an island, and they need to find a way to survive.

Right from the get-go (the very first page of the very first chapter) we have some lovely ableist language (just so everyone knows, using "bipolar" as an adjective is not something you should do, okay?). A great first impression.

The humor is something I or my friends might've written in middle school, maybe? And even then, only enjoyed because we were the ones who wrote them. Every "humorous" line made me cringe and tense so much I'm 10x more achy than I should be (even with fibromyalgia). Take a look at some of these:

"'I got my Scouting Badge in First Aid!'"
'Ohmigosh, me too!' Tiara threw her arms around Brittani. 'You're so nice. If it's not me, I hope you win.'
'No, I hope YOU win!'"

"'Ohmigosh. No food at all.' [. . .] 'I am going to be so superskinny by pageant time!'"

"'Miss Teen Dreamers, we can't leave this body here. It will attract predators,' Taylor said.
'You mean like those guys who NetChat you and pretend they're a hot German pop star named Hans but who turn out to be some old fat guy in a house in Kansas?'"

'"Um, does that ocean look kind of high to you?'
'How can the ocean get high? It can't inhale.'"

And these are just from the first 14% of the book. It's ridiculous and . . . not that funny, satire or not. I feel like this might be a good fit for those who love to mock teenage girls or for girls who love to say "I'm not like all the other girls" on repeat for their whole lives.

There's also a heavy dose of fatphobia, because how could there not be? (/sarcasm)
One of the girls tells a story about how her friend """ballooned""" up to size six and how it ruined that friend's life. Again, I literally don't care about "the message" behind this. It's a young adult book mocking fat people in its dialogue. Even if it's mocking its own protagonists, young adults are reading this text.

There's also a lovely bit where a white girl finds the only African American contestant and thinks she's somehow a "native" of the island they're stranded on and loudly says, "Hello, we need help. Is your village close?" and when the girl says she's actually from Colorado, another one is like "We have a Colorado where we're from, too!" and does a mocking Hawaiian greeting for some damn racist reason, ignoring her again when the black girl tries to tell them she's American.

There's also a girl with a tray literally smashed into her forehead, and the solution these girls come up with is "Oh, maybe you should get bangs! No one would notice! 3"

It's sooooo difficult to get through, and not enjoyable in the least because the humor is so headache-inducing. I just can't give it a chance.