This Is Who I Am (Masters of the Shadowlands, #7)

by Cherise Sinclair

[stacey_is_sassy]

Interesting to step out of my comfort zone once in awhile...

This Is Who I Am was definitely a step out of my comfort zone. I have faith that Cherise Sinclair can convince me that BDSM is not as scary as I thought. I know she can convince me that a paddling isn’t the worst thing to happen to a person and can actually give some pleasure. I’m convinced that a collared submissive can be very happy with the right dominant. Make me think that a submissive masochist will get pleasure from seeing her sadist smile at making her cry…she’s got her work cut out for her.

I had put this story off for a while. I couldn’t get my head around sadists and masochists and how their minds worked. Sam, the hero, is a sadist and takes pleasure in giving pain to submissives. A tear in the eye was proof that he was on track. A moan was success. A scream was the pinnacle. Why practice his arts in causing the most pain? Why would a man or woman take pleasure in causing pain? Linda, the heroine, is a masochist. What makes a person look for pain? How does it make a sexual experience better? Why would you put your trust in someone to know when enough is enough? I read this book to try and understand.

Who’d have thought a person would find out her true sexual desires once she’d become a widow and her kids had grown up? Linda realises from her previous sexual experiences that she wasn't fulfilled. She decides to visit a BDSM club to see if she could get some answers. Linda does a scene and somewhat comes to terms with the fact she takes pleasure from pain. As she’s leaving the club she is kidnapped and given to sexual slave traders. Her situation was horrific, degrading and animalistic. She and the other slaves were kept in cages, had to beg for food, beg to use the toilet and expected to do what they were told or they were beaten. Sometimes they were beaten just for the hell of it. Eventually she is saved but one slave auction she attended, Sam, undercover for the FBI, scenes with her and leaves her feeling even more humiliated because she enjoyed it. Most of these things have happened before This Is Who I Am is set. This story is about Linda’s recovery and how she learns to accept who she is.

Starting this story, Sam was not my favourite dom from the Shadowlands. He was gruff, sadistic and called all the women and trainee submissives, “girl”. In this story that term still drove me bat spit crazy but I managed to get past it. We get to know a lot more about Sam and how he had lived his life up till then. By the end of the book he’s still cranky and gruff but we realise it’s more for show and helps him play his part of sadistic dom.

The journey Linda and Sam travel in this story is not an easy one. First Linda has to accept who she is and come to terms with being a masochist. She returns home and feels like she doesn’t fit in anymore. The townspeople aren’t especially welcoming and she still has the names given to her as a slave running through her head every time someone gossips about her. Sam and Linda have to work through the issues that came about from her captivity, but both feel such a strong connection to each other they are willing to work at it. Both Sam and Linda have children and previous relationships that give them a little grief. Jobs still need to be done and baddies are still out there trying to catch slaves.

The “scenes” were hot, the connection between the characters believable and the merging of everyday life with that of a dom and sub lifestyle, interesting to see. We get to meet all the characters we’ve grown to love in the previous books. Some scenes, especially with Jessica and Sally are a crack up. Z is still psycho analysing everyone and all the masters practice their scary voices to get what they want.

I still don’t get sadism and masochism. There is no way I would want a partner to make me cry. If some bloke walked towards me with a paddle, whip or belt and told me to hold still, I’d run screaming for the hills. But…it’s interesting to take a peek.

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