Choose Your Own Misery
2 primary works • 4 total works
Book 1
You have endless choices...but few real options.
Hungover and stuck at a job you hate, will you show up for your big presentation, or duck out with Debby, the HR rep with an FDR fetish? Play the weird lump on your back for office-wide sympathy, or dive into an internet spiral that can only end in “ten kinds of cancer”? Tell someone about the weird genital-fondling that’s happening at the crystal healer’s, or just accept that this is the best substitute you’ll find for love, today...or maybe ever?
From two comedy writers and former contributors to THE ONION comes a parody of a choose-your-own-adventure tale-the story of your soul-crushing existence. Having choices is great when you’re a kid, but in the adult world, the only options are endless varieties of misery. It’s okay, though. A life of adventure would require so many uncomfortable sleeping situations. Besides, you have dental. Keep reminding yourself about the dental.
“Hell, the only reason for going to work is to goof-off reading Jilly Gagnon's and Mike MacDonald's book, Choose Your Own Misery: The Office!”—E. Jean Carroll, former writer for SNL
“Choose Your Own Misery: The Office [is] the most addictive, clever, and honestly hilarious decision tree you've ever read.”—Zack Bornstein, segment director at Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Sorry, I've been spending every waking hour lost in your maddening madcap narrative labyrinth. I'll try to send a blurb for the book by the deadline!"—Jamie Brew, Associate Editor at Clickhole
"It’s time for you to choose your own miserable adventure, just like you do every day of your miserable life, but now in hilarious book form!”—Nate Dern, Head Writer for Funny or Die
"Oh, how I laughed at this droll little book. Then, slowly but irreversibly, it filled me up with dread."—Jesse Andrews, author of the NY Times Bestselling ME AND EARL AND THE DYING GIRL
“Choose Your Own Misery: The Office is a bittersweet, brutal, and frequently hilarious twist on the childhood classics.”—NERDIST.COM
“[Choose Your Own Misery: The Office] is one of the few books I’ve made sure to bring with me to show others when going out... even though filled with miserable and sometimes darker choices, [it] is definitely one of the funniest books I’ve read lately.”—TECHAERIS
“In their rip-roaringly funny book, Choose Your Own Misery: The Office, the two Onion alums make a dark and decidedly adult play on beloved childhood "choose your own adventure" novels…[Choose Your Own Misery] may be the funniest book released this year.”—NEWSWEEK
This book is a parody. It was not authorized by Chooseco, the publisher of Choose Your Own Adventure. Choose Your Own Adventure is a registered trademark of Chooseco LLC.
Hungover and stuck at a job you hate, will you show up for your big presentation, or duck out with Debby, the HR rep with an FDR fetish? Play the weird lump on your back for office-wide sympathy, or dive into an internet spiral that can only end in “ten kinds of cancer”? Tell someone about the weird genital-fondling that’s happening at the crystal healer’s, or just accept that this is the best substitute you’ll find for love, today...or maybe ever?
From two comedy writers and former contributors to THE ONION comes a parody of a choose-your-own-adventure tale-the story of your soul-crushing existence. Having choices is great when you’re a kid, but in the adult world, the only options are endless varieties of misery. It’s okay, though. A life of adventure would require so many uncomfortable sleeping situations. Besides, you have dental. Keep reminding yourself about the dental.
“Hell, the only reason for going to work is to goof-off reading Jilly Gagnon's and Mike MacDonald's book, Choose Your Own Misery: The Office!”—E. Jean Carroll, former writer for SNL
“Choose Your Own Misery: The Office [is] the most addictive, clever, and honestly hilarious decision tree you've ever read.”—Zack Bornstein, segment director at Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Sorry, I've been spending every waking hour lost in your maddening madcap narrative labyrinth. I'll try to send a blurb for the book by the deadline!"—Jamie Brew, Associate Editor at Clickhole
"It’s time for you to choose your own miserable adventure, just like you do every day of your miserable life, but now in hilarious book form!”—Nate Dern, Head Writer for Funny or Die
"Oh, how I laughed at this droll little book. Then, slowly but irreversibly, it filled me up with dread."—Jesse Andrews, author of the NY Times Bestselling ME AND EARL AND THE DYING GIRL
“Choose Your Own Misery: The Office is a bittersweet, brutal, and frequently hilarious twist on the childhood classics.”—NERDIST.COM
“[Choose Your Own Misery: The Office] is one of the few books I’ve made sure to bring with me to show others when going out... even though filled with miserable and sometimes darker choices, [it] is definitely one of the funniest books I’ve read lately.”—TECHAERIS
“In their rip-roaringly funny book, Choose Your Own Misery: The Office, the two Onion alums make a dark and decidedly adult play on beloved childhood "choose your own adventure" novels…[Choose Your Own Misery] may be the funniest book released this year.”—NEWSWEEK
This book is a parody. It was not authorized by Chooseco, the publisher of Choose Your Own Adventure. Choose Your Own Adventure is a registered trademark of Chooseco LLC.
Book 2
From The Onion alum writers Mike MacDonald and Jilly Gagnon comes a hilarious choose-your-own-path story to ruin your holiday spirit.
”Bah! Humbug! An ideal choice for holiday haters and readers who enjoy David Sedaris’s hysterically funny take, Holidays on Ice.”—Library Journal
This is the year you’re going to do it: you’re going to avoid Christmas completely!
...or you were, until your island getaway got washed out by a hurricane. Now you have to choose: should you spend the holiday with your shrewish sister and her Europhile husband, or endure your new girlfriend’s family for a week? Help chop down a tree even though it might throw out your back, or endure the icy judgment of a woman who thinks only children and pussies help bake cookies? Jet off to the glamorous slums of Kingston, Jamaica, or accept the offer of a ride from a man who never stops smiling...and is probably going to turn you into a skin suit?
From the writers who brought you the hilarious parody Choose Your Own Misery: The Office comes a second helping of misery with a festive twist. Christmas is full of fun surprises for kids, but for adults, it’s just an endless series of aggressive crowds, overwhelming credit card debt, and pretending to like the people you’re forced to spend it with.
Once you unwrap all the holiday misery hiding in these pages, the blackness of your heart will rival any lump of coal.
"I played this book thirty times and the happiest ending I got was one where I got to eat turkey with a badly burned hand. Seems about right. Hilarious every time."—Ryan North, New York Times bestselling author of Romeo And/Or Juliet
”Bah! Humbug! An ideal choice for holiday haters and readers who enjoy David Sedaris’s hysterically funny take, Holidays on Ice.”—Library Journal
This is the year you’re going to do it: you’re going to avoid Christmas completely!
...or you were, until your island getaway got washed out by a hurricane. Now you have to choose: should you spend the holiday with your shrewish sister and her Europhile husband, or endure your new girlfriend’s family for a week? Help chop down a tree even though it might throw out your back, or endure the icy judgment of a woman who thinks only children and pussies help bake cookies? Jet off to the glamorous slums of Kingston, Jamaica, or accept the offer of a ride from a man who never stops smiling...and is probably going to turn you into a skin suit?
From the writers who brought you the hilarious parody Choose Your Own Misery: The Office comes a second helping of misery with a festive twist. Christmas is full of fun surprises for kids, but for adults, it’s just an endless series of aggressive crowds, overwhelming credit card debt, and pretending to like the people you’re forced to spend it with.
Once you unwrap all the holiday misery hiding in these pages, the blackness of your heart will rival any lump of coal.
"I played this book thirty times and the happiest ending I got was one where I got to eat turkey with a badly burned hand. Seems about right. Hilarious every time."—Ryan North, New York Times bestselling author of Romeo And/Or Juliet
From The Onion alum writers Mike MacDonald and Jilly Gagnon comes a hilarious choose-your-own-path story to that will save you hours of suffering on Tinder.
The only thing worse than getting back on the dating horse? The brutal loneliness of perpetual singledom.
That's why you're putting in the effort to find your soulmate…or at least someone to warm your bed for a night. Playing as one of two characters, you get to choose just how bad your dating life gets. Will you head to a high school party or hitch your wagon to a Steve Urkel impersonator? Dabble in the painfully shallow depths of sexualizing your arm wound, or up the intensity of your first date by entering an underground fight club? Try to relive the romance of Harold and Maude, but with more roofies and an ominous burial plot in Maude's backyard?
From the writers who brought you the hilarious parodies Choose Your Own Misery: The Office and Choose Your Own Misery: The Holidays comes the oldest form of misery in the book: the self-prostitution that is dating.
"Oh, how I laughed at this droll little book. Then, slowly but irreversibly, it filled me up with dread." —Jesse Andrews, New York Times bestselling author of Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
The only thing worse than getting back on the dating horse? The brutal loneliness of perpetual singledom.
That's why you're putting in the effort to find your soulmate…or at least someone to warm your bed for a night. Playing as one of two characters, you get to choose just how bad your dating life gets. Will you head to a high school party or hitch your wagon to a Steve Urkel impersonator? Dabble in the painfully shallow depths of sexualizing your arm wound, or up the intensity of your first date by entering an underground fight club? Try to relive the romance of Harold and Maude, but with more roofies and an ominous burial plot in Maude's backyard?
From the writers who brought you the hilarious parodies Choose Your Own Misery: The Office and Choose Your Own Misery: The Holidays comes the oldest form of misery in the book: the self-prostitution that is dating.
"Oh, how I laughed at this droll little book. Then, slowly but irreversibly, it filled me up with dread." —Jesse Andrews, New York Times bestselling author of Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
