Wit
6 total works
`A golf ball will always travel furthest when hit in the wrong direction.'
Henry Beard
`Golf has given me an understanding of the futility of life.'
Aubrey Eban
With hundreds of funny one-liners that'll have you and your caddy chuckling down the fairway, this is the perfect companion for the golf-obsessed, and an ideal gift for the newly converted. So put your best ball forward, tee off with Golfing Wit and you'll be sure to get a hole-in-one.
'The first 90 minutes of a football match are the most important.'
Bobby Robson
'Football is a game with 22 players, two linesmen and 20,000 referees.'
Bob Monkhouse
When you're finished explaining the offside rule, shouting at the ref and perfecting your ball skills, treat yourself to a hearty half-time chuckle with this premiere collection of footy wise-cracks. No matter if your team win, lose or draw, Football Wit will keep you smiling through all the own goals and red cards that come your way.
`Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.' Dave Barry
`Truth is beauty, beauty is truth. Which makes the new Subaru Impreza a whopping lie.' Jeremy Clarkson
`You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking fine".' Tommy Cooper
Calling all petrolheads, motor racing fanatics, Top Gear fans, boy racers and car geeks: here at last is a book of laughs especially for you. As jam-packed as the M25 on a bank holiday weekend with bumper to bumper revved-up retorts and gear-crunching gags, it's the ideal companion to life on the open road - just the thing to keep in the glove box for when the engine overheats!
Remember, there are only two types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead. As Murray Walker once said: you might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.
`When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people.' Oscar Wilde
`There are three easy ways of losing money - racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain.' Lord Amherst
`Country manners dictate that even if somebody phones you up to tell you your house is on fire, first they ask you how you are.' Alice Munro
Everyone likes the country, said Lillian Hellman. If you own a waxed jacket and a pair of wellies, are feeling sheepish, know all about fowl play and udder matters, then deer me, these quips and quotes on rural pursuits will be a breath of fresh air.
There again, as Kenny Everett pointed out, country life isn't so much tiptoeing through the tulips as slip-slopping through the cowshit. This collection of witticisms on the bittersweet delights of country life will entertain and amuse, whether you're a countryside lover or reading about it in the comfort of a metropolitan retreat.
Did you hear about the man who mixed up his Viagra with his constipation pills? He didn’t know if he was coming or going.
Ted Fitzpatrick
A woman walked into a pub and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
Bob Monkhouse
I’ve had more hands up under my dress than the Muppets.
Joan Rivers
Do you find an innuendo in everything? Have you ever giggled uncontrollably on hearing the words `willy’ or `orgasm’? Then this miscellany of risqué ripostes and smutty smart-cracks is bound to bring a glow to your cheeks.
Featuring hundreds of hand-picked lines from wicked writers and cheeky comedians, Naughty Wit is not for the easily embarrassed – but will bring hours of naughty pleasure. You’ll never be at a loss for a blushingly wicked witticism.
'You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer.'
Hal Roach
'Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job.'
James Joyce, Ulysses
'Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.'
Samuel Beckett
They say if you kiss the Blarney Stone, the legendary Stone of Eloquence, you'll never again be lost for words. Maybe it's something they put in the Guinness, maybe it's their gift of the gab or craze for the craic, but with wits like George Bernard Shaw, Oscar Wilde and Flann O'Brien, the Irish have a heritage of humour that's unmatched.
This book is packed with witty one-liners that will tickle your shamrock and turn your beer green. It's St Patrick's Day every day with Irish Wit, to be sure.