The Jaded Pen

Of Course I Talk To Myself. Sometimes I Need Expert Advice.

I'm Not Arguing. I'm Just Explaining Why I'm Right.

For Convenience Sake, I'm Considering Having Our Family Reunion In The Parking Lot Of A Liquor Store.

Always Keep A Bottle Of Wine In The Fridge For Special Occasions. Even If The Special Occasion Is That You Have A Bottle Of Wine In The Fridge.

I Hate When I Think I'm Buying Organic Vegetables And When I Get Home I Discover They're Just Regular Donuts.

As For Me And My House, We Will Serve Tacos. Salsa 24

After Much Research, Experimentation, And Consideration, I Have Decided Adulthood Is Not For Me. Thank You For The Opportunity.

Oh, You Want To Talk To Me Before I've Had My Coffee? I, Too, Like To Live Dangerously.

It's Accrual World.

I Enjoy A Glass Of Wine Each Night For It's Health Benefits. The Other Glasses Are For My Witty Comebacks And Flawless Dance Moves.

My Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open.

I'm Just A Girl, Standing In Front Of A Salad, Asking It To Be A Taco.

I Don't Mean To Brag, But I Finished My 14-Day Diet In 3 Hours And 12 Minutes.

I Don't Know What I'd Do Without Coffee. Probably Twenty-Five To Life.

I'm Not Good At Advice. Can I Interest You In A Sarcastic Comment?

I Ate Healthy And Exercised Today. I Better Wake Up Skinny.

You Drink Too Much. You Cuss Too Much. You Have Questionable Morals. You're Everything I Ever Wanted In A Friend.

The Best Things In Life Either Make You Fat, Drunk, Or Pregnant.

If I Ever Go Missing, I Would Like My Photo Put On Wine Bottles Instead Of Milk Cartons. That Way My Friends Will Know To Look For Me.

Meh

Breakfast

You Call Them Swear Words, I Call Them Sentence Enhancers.

I Run On Caffeine, Chaos, And Cuss Words.

I Don't Like To Think Before I Speak. I Like To Be Just As Surprised As Everyone Else About What Comes Out Of My Mouth.