Starfish

by Akemi Dawn Bowman

A gorgeous and emotionally resonant debut novel about a half-Japanese teen who grapples with social anxiety and her narcissist mother in the wake of a crushing rejection from art school.

Kiko Himura has always had a hard time saying exactly what she’s thinking. With a mother who makes her feel unremarkable and a half-Japanese heritage she doesn’t quite understand, Kiko prefers to keep her head down, certain that once she makes it into her dream art school, Prism, her real life will begin.

But then Kiko doesn’t get into Prism, at the same time her abusive uncle moves back in with her family. So when she receives an invitation from her childhood friend to leave her small town and tour art schools on the west coast, Kiko jumps at the opportunity in spite of the anxieties and fears that attempt to hold her back. And now that she is finally free to be her own person outside the constricting walls of her home life, Kiko learns life-changing truths about herself, her past, and how to be brave.

From debut author Akemi Dawn Bowman comes a luminous, heartbreaking story of identity, family, and the beauty that emerges when we embrace our true selves.

• ISBN10: 1481487744
• ISBN13: 9781481487740
• Publish Date: 26 September 2017
• Publish Status: Active
• Publish Country: US
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Imprint: Simon Pulse
• Format: eBook (EPUB)
• Pages: 352
• Language: English

Reviews

[Angie]

Proceed with Caution:

This book contains mentions of child abuse, incest, and victim blaming. Kiko was molested by her uncle as a child and suffers severe social anxiety as a result.

The Basics:

This is narrated in first person by Kiko, a half-Japanese high school senior who doesn't fit in at school or in her family.

When we first meet Kiko she's waiting on her acceptance letter from her first choice art school, Prism in New York. Unfortunately, she doesn't get in and she didn't have a back-up school. She also knows that she can't stay home, because her mother allows her uncle to move back in with them despite what he did to Kiko as a child. Kiko's childhood friend, Jamie, had been in town for the summer and invites her back to his home in California where she starts looking for schools and her voice.

My Thoughts:

Starfish immediately sucked me in. Kiko has a very distinct voice and an engaging story that I think a lot of people can relate to. We immediately see her mother's emotional neglect when she barely acknowledges Kiko's art show, which she didn't attend in order to paint her toenails. Her older brother has one foot out the door, because he's learned it's best to not even bother trying to confront the woman who birthed them. Meanwhile, Kiko sees her younger brother disengaging from the family entirely. Her family situation isn't all awful. I was actually pleasantly surprised that she gets along with her dad, stepmom, and the babies. Step-families don't need to be awful!

She can't be the villain if she's the victim. (pg 70)

Kiki struggles a lot with her appearance as a biracial Asian person. Her mother is white and that is the standard of beauty that she's always been fed. Her mother's careless comments throughout Starfish have completely shaped Kiko's self image. She can't see herself as pretty. She just sees someone who stands out and has the "wrong" features. There's always this feeling of otherness, which I've always felt as well. However, I am so glad that Kiko realizes that her mother's beauty is not all beauty, and comes to accept this during her time in California.

Everyone expects me to be Asian, not white, because of the way I look. But I'm only half Japanese--I'm the same amount of Asian as I am white. Why doesn't anyone ever call me half white? It's confusing. I wonder if it will always be confusing. (pg 61)

When I look in the mirror, I don't see a fat girl. But after five minutes of pinching my skin and studying every angle in the reflection, I see the fattest person in the world. (pg 131)

I also really liked how Starfish handled back-up plans for when your life doesn't go how you planned, particularly after high school. Kiko made the ultimate mistake by only applying to one school, so when she didn't get in, she had no idea what to do. Thankfully, Jamie was a great friend and help steer her in a direction. She spent the summer working on her art, making connections, and applying to other schools. Community college was also mentioned as an option, which is good. Although I don't like how it was made out to be an undesirable option in general. I do think it was a bad option for Kiko because of her living situation. She needed that distance from her mother. But to make community college seem like the bottom of the barrel is not a good thing.

In the end, I was very impressed with Starfish. I consumed it in just a few hours. I was cheering for Kiko to find her voice and accomplish her dreams. Her mother was also a train-wreck that I couldn't look away from. This woman has the uncanny ability to make every single thing about her, even Kiko's abuse somehow gets flipped to be about her. I just could not stop reading and waiting for the light bulb moment. Highly recommended.

[alindstadtcorbeax]

Star Rating: —> 4.5 Stars


This was absolutely amazing. I could relate so much to the anxiety rep... and someone in my life being a narcissist. Beautiful mental health reps that aren’t glazed over, but right in front of you, are so very important. RTC.

[leahrosereads]

Holy shit, this book!

This book hit me so freaking hard. Kiki's story was so different than mine when I was her age, and yet, there were a lot of similarities too. I know what it is to have that type of relationship with a parent. And it can be the hardest thing to deal with in the world.

This was beautiful and heart wrenching and inspiring. And Kiko is most likely going to be one of my favorite characters of 2019, and this book is most likely going to be in my top 10.

[Sam@WLABB]

Rating: 4.5 Stars

This definitely lived up to the hype for me.

The beginning of the book is really painful, but once Kiko goes to California, it got so much better for me. I loved seeing Kiko grow and flourish. It took quite a bit of kindness from some really special people to peel away some of those layers of hurt Kiko's mother had wrapped her in, but slowly, they were removed, and Kiko began to see the young woman other's saw.

Kiko's journey was painful and difficult, but ended with so much hope.

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[Jo]

Originally posted on Once Upon a Bookcase.

Trigger Warning: This book features child abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, a suicide attempt, racism and gaslighting. This review also includes quotes of sexual abuse being discussed.

Warning: This review contains minor spoilers, so I'm able to talk about Kiko's social anxiety in depth.

Starfish by Akemi Dawn Bowman is a book I've wanted to read for quite a long time, so I was so excited to see it's now being published in the UK. Starfish is an incredible novel, it's heartbreaking and hopeful, and just completely wonderful.

This #OwnVoices story follows Kiko, a biracial girl - half-Japanese, half-white American - who has social anxiety, who is desperate to get into Prism, a prestigious art school. She wants to get away from her emotionally abusive mother, and Uncle Max, the man who sexually abused her as a child, who has just moved in after losing his job. When Kiko doesn't get into Prism, she doesn't know what to do, and her future looks bleak. But reconnecting with Jamie, her best friend from when she was a child leads to travelling to California to look at art schools there. But no matter how far away she is, she can't get away from the hold her mum has over her.

This book is an emotional and upsetting read, but at the same time, surprisingly easy to get yourself swept up in. I was captivated by Kiko's voice from the very first page, before we even knew what her home life was like. I warmed to her immediately. But this isn't a happy, light story. This is a story of family and identity, but one where Kiko's mother affects everything. Her mum is completely narcissistic, and critical of everything her children do, of who they are. According to her, Kiko isn't pretty enough, because she doesn't look like her; her eyes are too small, her nose is too wide, her face is too round, her black hair too straight. In other words, she looks too Asian. Yes, her mum is a racist piece of crap. And Kiko internalises it all.

'"What do you see when you look at pictures of yourself?"
I swallow. Someone who looks too Asian to be pretty. Because being Asian means I can never be pretty as the other girls at school--the girls like Mom. I know this because people like Henry and Adam and Mom keep telling me I don't have the right face. I know this because when I look in the mirror, I see what they see--a girl who doesn't belong here. A girl who isn't good enough.' (p114)*

She may not be white enough to be pretty, but Kiko also feels like she isn't Japanese enough, because she knows very little of her heritage. Her parents have split up, and she doesn't see her dad very often any more, because it makes her mum mad. But even when her parents were together, Japanese culture wasn't really allowed in the house; her dad introduced her and brothers to anime, but her mum didn't like it, so they weren't allowed to watch it. Her dad would cook Japanese food, but her mum said it was too greasy, so he stopped. It's like anything that was Japanese in any way wasn't allowed in the house, and so Kiko learnt very little.

And this affects how she sees herself. She's "either too white, or too Asian, but never enough of either." (p115)* That line right there is a thread that runs throughout Starfish, and there's a level of nuance to this experience that could only come from an #OwnVoices author. There's this strong feeling that Kiko is constantly asking herself who she is, but struggling to come up with any answer. She thinks she's weird, and this affects her mental illness, because she believes other people see her the same way. This is the first time I've read a book featuring social anxiety, rather than general anxiety. She finds social interactions really difficult; being around large groups of people, or meeting strangers for the first time. Like when she's invited to a party, and ends up sitting in her car for an hour, trying to work up the courage to get out and go and join her friend Emery. And in those situations, if she becomes the centre of attention for whatever reason, she starts to panic. It's because of this that she doesn't have many friends, and depends on the friends she does have to shield her; at first Emery at school, and then Jamie in California. But as the story progresses, she realises just how much she depended on them both, and as she and Jamie get closer, she realises how unhealthy it would be to be in a relationship with someone she uses as a crutch. She wants to be independent in so many ways; free of her mum, free of her insecurities, and able to stand on her own two feet, and get to a place where her social anxiety is manageable. But it takes so much for her to actually make all the decisions that are right for her, that will get her to a better place. Because it's scary to let go, and to be adrift on your own, when she finds social interaction so difficult. She is so strong and so brave, she's just wonderful.

I also want to talk about how Jamie treats Kiko in regards her social anxiety. Kiko didn't have social anxiety when she knew Jamie as a child, so this is all new to him, and because of that, he gets things wrong a number of times. He gets frustrated with her when she doesn't want to go to a party, or when she struggles around large groups of people. He just doesn't get it, and wants her to try, which she does because she feels so guilty, and hates letting people down - which is left over from how her mum makes her feel she's to blame for so many things - but he basically pressures her into things. Don't get me wrong, it's not often, and does really try tp understand, but he does get things wrong a few times. And I absolutely loved when Kiko actually stood her ground when he was being unreasonable and not seeming to get she has a mental illness.

'He lowers his head. "You kind of look like you want to be anywhere but here."
My back stiffens, and defense rushes through me. "I'm trying. Maybe give me a little credit? This isn't easy."
"I wish you didn't look so uncomfortable."
"I was fine. Now I feel like I'm ruining your night."
"Can you please not overthink this?"
"Can you please be a little more patient with something I have no control over?"' (p242)*

This makes it sounds like Jamie is a complete douche, but he's not; he's a really nice guy overall, but he does make a few mistakes.

I want to go back and talk about Kiko's mum, because she really is a piece of work. As I said, everything is about her. When Kiko is in California, every phone conversation is about what her mum is up to, or has her mum asking what people are saying about her, what she is telling other people about her, if she's badmouthing her. She doesn't care how Kiko is doing, how her art is going, how she's spending her time - it's all about her. It's really like she doesn't care at all. I have never read the words "I love you" in a book so often, nor have I felt like they mean absolutly nothing. And Kiko is so desperate for her mum to care about her, that she keeps trying. Any time her mum shows her any interest, she gets her hopes up, but it turns out her mum is only interested to criticise her. And when Kiko gets upset, her mum tells her she's too sensitive, implies she's not done anything wrong, that Kiko is overreacting. So. Much. Gaslighting.

And this even comes into play when Kiko can't believe that her mum let Uncle Max back into the house after he sexually assaulted her as a child. We don't find out the details until much later in the story, but the way her mum reacts is un-bloody-believable.

'"Look, I don't know what happened between you and Max, but if we're all going to be living together you need to--" she starts.
"You do know," I interrupt angrily. "You know exactly what happened."
"No," she corrects. "I know your side of the story."
My shoulders shake violently. "Are you saying you don't believe me?"
She lets out a sigh. "I'm not saying that. I'm not saying anything, really. I just think you were very young when this 'event' happened"--she scratches the air with her fingers--"and maybe it's not fair to put so much blame on Max."
"Who else gets the blame? Me?" I ask with a knot in my throat.
"Kiko, would you please stop making this so difficult. I mean, it's not like he did anything that horrible to you." (p72)*

There are just no words. No words. As someone who was sexually assaulted as a child, the thought of having to face that person again fills me with terror, and it happened 20 years ago. But to have it be a family member, to have your mum not believe you, and to have your mum bring that person back into your house, knowing what he did to you? It's absolutely incomprehendable. It's appalling and horrifying, and makes me feel sick to my stomach. Every time Kiko had to interact with Uncle Max. Every time her mum defended him. It's just horrific.

But on to something good about this book. The art. Art is Kiko's life. Getting into Prism is not just an escape for her mum, but a chance to do something she absolutely loves. So not getting in is awful twice over. When she's in California and ends up meeting famous artist Hiroshi, things look like they might be on the up for her. He likes her work, and says he'll mentor her, help her create a new portfolio, and give her a letter of recommendation when she applies to other art schools. And it's so wonderful to see Kiko work on her art, and seeing how Hiroshi helps her, and gets her to think more deeply about what she really wants to say with her work. Hiroshi is the first adult to really give her any time and attention, and to actually care and be interested in what she does. He's like the parental figure she never really had, and he brings her and Jamie into his life, inviting them over for dinner, and to parties. She gets to meet other people who look like her, and learn more about a side of herself she's never really known anything about. I loved Hiroshi, and I loved their realtionship. But what I also really loved is how almost every chapter ends with a description of a piece of art that Kiko is working on that relates to what has just happened in the chapter. They're incredible; so metaphorical, and the imagery - it's poetic. We don't get to see the art, but we get the words, and it's just beautiful.

Starfish is an absolutely incredible novel. It completely broke my heart, but it was put back together by the end. It's a book I have been unable to stop thinking about since I finished it, and one that will stay with me for a long time. Bowman has written an unbelievably real and raw story with Starfish, and I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to write. I'm really looking forward to reading everything Bowman writes in the future, starting with her next novel Summer Bird Blue, which comes out in Septemer.

*All quotes have been checked against a final copy of Starfish, and are correct.

Thank you to Ink Road via NetGalley for the eProof.

[Liz (Bent Bookworm)]

This book paralyzed me, because I didn't know how to write a review for something that moved me so deeply. I sat on my couch and cried every time I opened it. Cried not because I was sad, but because I saw myself in this book and Akemi Dawn Bowman wrote it EXACTLY HOW IT IS, to live this way, and she articulates it - something I've never been able to do clearly, even to people I trust and count my closest friends. I think I am lucky enough to have a few friends who understand me anyway, but to explain why I act the way I do or feel the way I feel...nope. Because of this book, I think I finally have something of an idea - or at least a better idea - of how HUGE of a deal representation is in books. Huge. HUGE. I've always SAID I believed it was important, but I didn't really know how it FELT.

Kiko is half-Japanese, half white. The biracial rep is actually why I picked this book up - not because I myself am biracial, but because I was trying to find another book to read for the January challenge! Kiko also has moderate-severe social anxiety, and lives with a psychologically and emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother.

Ding ding, on both of those.

At first I couldn't believe what I was reading. I kept telling my husband, "I swear, I think the author met my mother and decided to write her into a book!" And then I started to cry because someone understood not only having a mother like that, but having overwhelming panic at the thought of going places or meeting people.

Normal people don't need to prepare for social interactions. Normal people don't panic at the sight of strangers. Normal people don't want to cry because the plan they've processed in their head is suddenly not the plan that's going to happen.

SO MUCH THIS. So much. Also, Kiko sits outside of a party in her car for about 20 minutes before she can convince herself to go in - and in the end her friend comes outside to go back in with her anyway. Been there, done that. Social functions are HARD. They're terrifying, and exhausting. I have a very, very distinct memory of arranging to have dinner with a friend (myself and my husband), and showing up at the restaurant to discover he had invited about 5 other people. I nearly blacked out standing next to the table, and I fought tears for several minutes after my husband helped me sit down. I can only imagine what those other people must have thought of me - but Kiko knows exactly what that is like.

Kiko's mother is psychologically and emotionally abusive. She is white, has bi-racial children (biological even), and yet she is incredibly racist. She constantly makes Kiko feel ugly and worthless. She lies to her about events in the past, she demeans her childrens' heritage. She must be the center of attention at all times, and she must look perfect to the world outside. And Kiko - as every child does - craves her mother's approval and support. Even when she knows it would be better to cut her mom out of her life, even when it would be healthier for her not to engage - she does. Because somewhere deep inside, there is still a tiny, tiny hope that one day her mom will be supportive and unconditionally loving.

Ding ding, again.

I was so happy to see Kiko finally get to embrace herself. Her ethnicity, her art, her personality. And to find friends who loved and accepted her for who she is, and who could celebrate ALL of her, with her. Also people who understood how poisonous her mother was.

"All that time growing up, I thought I was the only one who could see. I thought nobody understood the way he was. I thought I was the problem. But some people are just starfish - they need everyone to fill the roles that they assign. They need the world to sit around them, pointing at them and validating their feelings. But you can’t spend your life trying to make a starfish happy, because no matter what you do, it will never be enough."

Please go read this book. Whether you identify with Kiko somehow, or if you like art (Kiko is an amazing artist and the book has some beautiful descriptions of her paintings and drawings...also check out the fan art competition). Just please read. Even if you don't see yourself in it, I guarantee you someone in your life or acquaintance DOES.

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[reveriesociety_]

Starfish is a truly special book. But I do kind of regret requesting it. It’s not a bad book, it’s actually pretty good. Okay, it was great. But I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it just wasn’t written for me. Because it obviously wasn’t, but I like to be able to tell the people who will benefit the most from reading this book that they will probably adore it.



kiko’s japanese heritage being a source of pride journey is a big deal

And it’s awesome. At first it bothered me so much, that she’s so confused about how to feel about being divided in half. I live in my own home country so no has ever said ‘I don’t date girls like you’ to me referring to my race or nationality. I know how it feels to be the outsider because of other things about yourself you can’t change, so even though I couldn’t completely relate to her position, I got the gist of the anxiety she felt most of the time.

The thing is, it takes a special kind of confidence to say ‘I don’t give a flying fuck about what you think of me’ because we’re built to care.

So yes, I’m very happy about Kiko’s journey. Teens are allowed to be confused, to have doubts and ask themselves questions, and to have no idea about what will happen in the future.



I think that no matter your background, you’ll find a way to connect with this story, so I really do recommend you give it a shot.

Full review and other book reviews at Reverie Society

[layawaydragon]

Starfish by Akemi Dawn Bowman is a YA contemporary drama following half-Japanese Kiko struggling with surviving her dysfunctional family and getting into art school. It hits stores this Tuesday the 26th and if you're unsure on buying it, check out my review below and enter to win a copy!

I'm really excited to share this with ya'll and not just because the gorgeous cover matches my blog design ;)





 

Thoughts on Starfish:

• First, Trigger Warning: Manipulative abusive parent, sexual abuse, suicide, racism, and anxiety.


• Kiko is not very friendly to ace spectrum folks. She's an allo that's wrapped up in her own drama of what's wrong with me and I'm so attracted to this boy we can't be just friends. I'm very sympathetic to her struggles and being so connected to her family issues actually helped me come to terms with being demipansexual. Since I've read other novels with these same issues but thought it was me being weird, it doesn't feel right to dock Starfish for doing everything else so right and being the one to help me breakthrough. So FYI, and um, happy coming out to me. Thanks for the helping hand, Bowman.


• Kiko  has no self-esteem, is painfully shy and anxious. She's undermined by her mother at home, alienated at school, and constantly putting herself down for being behind in her peers.


• Kiko's mother is just awful. Everyone should hate her as much as Umbridge. I'm SURE if she had any position of power like Umbridge, she would be just like her.


• Kiko's father isn't as bad, but hardly role model. However, for those who don't understand what it's like living in a family like this, her father and brothers demonstrate how it's about survival and the guilt/rage/shame/relief mixed in it all.

So that's a lot of heavy shit. This is not a light YA romp. It won't be for everyone and it's not for anytime. However, it's a really good story that I couldn't put down, think most people will get something positive from it, and really hope ya'll get it.

Reasons to read Starfish ASAP:

• Kiko's what I said, what I meant, and what I should have said thoughts were impressively on-point and well construed.


• It handles biracial families and white women being racist and claiming to be "better" for being in a relationship with POC, especially when raising biracial kids.


• Alllll the art descriptions. Every chapter ends with Kiko sketching something amazing and her progression with her mentor is brilliant.


• The starting over with nothing and desperation and awkwardness was heartbreakingly familiar.


• The title and cover's meaning will be spelled out at the very end. The "OHHHHHH" moment is pretty fucking sweet.


• Kiko's menter and fam is GOALS 3. Total dream come true, not in a fairy-tale way but in a like recognizes like and right place, right time kinda way.  Found families FTW!


• Despite all the signs, I did not see the twist with Dude's family and her uncle coming. I was fucking rocked when things started falling out into the open and so proud of Kiko.


• The ending is hopeful and open and...content. It's pretty fucking sweet. If you're a crier, be prepared for the rollercoaster.

Thank you so much Rich in Variety Tours and Ms.Bowman for letting me be apart of this tour and review it early. Starfish will always hold a special place for me.

Perfect for fans of another surprising and arty YA: The Hearts We Sold

 



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That's all I got folks, but don't forget to come back to keep entering and follow the tour for more Starfish awesomeness.This review was originally posted on The Layaway Dragon