If I Was Your Girl

by Meredith Russo

Selected as the launch title for the Zoella Book Club. Amanda Hardy is the new girl at school. Like everyone else, all she wants is to make friends and fit in. But Amanda is holding back. Even from Grant, the guy she's falling in love with. Amanda has a secret. At her old school, she used to be called Andrew. And secrets always have a way of getting out...

• ISBN10: 1250078423
• ISBN13: 9781250078421
• Publish Date: 3 May 2016
• Publish Status: Active
• Imprint: Flatiron Books
• Format: eBook
• Language: English

Reviews

[Rach Wood]

TW: depression, suicide, bullying, sexual assault and rape.

After years of bullying and abuse, Amanda Hardy has move in with her father to start a new life at a new school. But, now that she can be herself, how much of her past should she tell her new friends? She wasn't always known as Amanda or even recognised as the beautiful girl everyone seems to love. Though secrets don't stay secret for long, it's hard to tell when a miscalculation can have consequences beyond some harmless gossip.

For the most part, Russo tells us Amanda's story after her transition is complete. But, as a cisgender person, I was especially moved by the several scenes from back when Amanda was still perceived as a biological boy. I cried a lot with the abuse she had to suffer and her certainty that no one, including her parents, would understand and love her if she told the truth. In the author's note to cisgender readers, Russo states that, in real life, Amanda probably wouldn't have had completed her transition by 18. Despite that, and although Amanda's story isn't reflective of every trans person's story, I think it's prime for trans teens to see what life could be.

I have never read a book with a trans person before, so I though it was not only informative but such a great story too. My review is, very likely, limited by my own experiences, which unfortunately not include actual face-to-face contact with a trans person. But I'm pretty sure Amanda is an incredible character; I love everything about her: she's brave, kind and funny.

There are plenty of other likeable characters, including her father, who is trying very hard to be accepting. Plus the girl gang, who was super supportive from the beginning to the end. But, if I'm being honest, although I enjoyed the group dinamic, now I can't even remember anything specific about them. There's one girl who's super religious, another one who's a lesbian but it's still inside the closet, and the third one is, well, someone.

I feel like the book is too short, with short chapters, which inevitably made the progression feel very fast without deepening certain scenes. I wanted something more from the plot, including a more developed romance. Personality-wise, the love interest felt flat. And then, there's the ending. It's not a traditional happily ever after but rather the promise of one, and I didn't like it. I wanted more closure, I guess.

[kiracanread]

I really enjoyed reading this book, I don't read anywhere near enough books by or about trans people and I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for more. This was such a bittersweet love story and I'm so glad I got to read it.

[Pigpen.Reads]

Amanda is the new girl in town. She's pretty, smart, and nice. She makes friends and even gets a cute boyfriend. The secret she is hiding? She used to be Andrew.
This story is eye opening and emotional. There are a few triggers. Suicide and attempted rape.
The first time I heard about this book, I knew I had to read it. I am so glad I did.

[bestmessever]

All I want to say is I loved this book. And to anyone out there reading this know that you have worth and that I love you and think you are beautiful. You deserve the world 💚

[lindsey]

Probably closer to 3.5 stars.

(I love you, Goodreads, but we really need a half-star rating system.)

[Leigha]

A young woman learns to embrace herself in this coming-of-age Young Adult novel.

Let's start with the major difference between this book and most other books in this category - the transgender protagonist. I really liked Amanda's story, particularly the snippets of her former life interspersed with the current timeline. As someone inexperienced with transgender people, the timeline helped to provide me details to better understand the character. The ending seemed genuine for the protagonist. Additionally, I appreciated the author's note at the end of the novel speaking specifically about the transgender experience being unique to each individual.

Other than an interesting protagonist, I found the rest of the novel disappointing. The setting was not well constructed. It very much felt like the town of Lambertville, TN didn't exist until Amanda arrived. I enjoyed most of the female friendships, although I would have preferred them to be more developed by the ending. Finally, I was not a fan of the love story. Grant, the love interest, didn't have much of a personality. The relationship between him and Amanda was the least interesting part of the novel.

tl;dr An interesting protagonist thrust into an uninteresting novel.

[Jo]

Originally posted on Once Upon a Bookcase.

When I first heard about If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo, I was so eager to read it. A YA novel featuring a trans protagonist by an #OwnVoices author? Sold! And it was such a good story!

Amanda Hardy has moved in with her father to start a new life at a new school, after years of bullying and abuse. Now she can be herself without worrying how people react; here, they will only ever have known her as Amanda. She quickly makes friends and even starts dating a guy, but how much of her past should she tell them? For Amanda was once known as Andrew. As she gets to know and trust the new people in her life, the more Amanda wonders about whether or not she wants to tell them she's a transsexual, but her father continually warns her to be careful. She tries to, but the closer she gets to her boyfriend Grant, the more she wants him to really know her. But secrets don't stay secret for long. How will her new friends and boyfriend react when they discover the truth?

If I Was Your Girl is such a great story! Amanda is such a strong and brave character; she's had to go through so much just to get to the point where she feels she can be herself, but life doesn't stop being complicated once she's living the life she was always meant to. If I Was Your Girl is written mostly in the present day, but there are a number of scenes from back when Amanda was Andrew, showing us what her life was like before, the abuse she had to suffer, the hopelessness she felt, the certainty that no-one, including her parents, would want her if they knew the truth. We also get to see how things change once she receives the help she so desperately needs, and is able to begin transitioning with the support of such wonderful people.

That's the story we're used to when it comes to YA novels with a trans protagonist, but If I Was Your Girl, for the most part, tells us Amanda's story after her transition is complete. Russo states in her author's note to cisgender readers that, "I have taken liberties with what I know to be reality. I have fictionalized things to make them work for my story. [...] [Amanda] had a surgery that her family should not have been able to afford, and she started hormones through legitimate channels before she probably could have in the real world."* (p299-300) Amanda probably wouldn't have had completed her transition by 18 in real life, but I still feel it's important to have this story. The story of life for a trans person after transition. Although Amanda's story isn't reflective of every trans person's story of transition, I think it's important for trans teens to see what life could be like.

Even though her transition is complete, and - being straight, feminine and a trans woman who passes - Amanda now has things fairly easy for the most part, there are still difficulties ahead. She struggles with how much to tell the people she now loves. She wants to share something so important about herself with these people who are so important to her, but she's so terrified about how they will react. She knows from before just how cruel and violent people can be when they know the truth, and doesn't want to not only lose the new people in her life, but lose the life she currently has; with passing so easily, no-one has any clue about Amanda's past, so as long as no-one knows, she can simply be. Life at her new school could be so different if people knew she's transsexual, and right now, her life is going so well - it's the life she always wanted.

I'm not going to talk much more about the plot, because I don't want to spoil things, but this is such a beautiful and moving story. Amanda is such an incredible character, and I loved everything about her; her strength, her bravery, her acceptance and love of herself. There is such a beautiful, gorgeous scene where Amanda comes to love the body she is in, a scene where she realises this body she has hated for so long is a body that can bring her such joy. It's completely wonderful! My only issue with the book is that Grant felt a little two-dimensional to me; he has his own story and background, but personality-wise, he felt to me like the cookie-cutter nice guy. He felt flat and unbelievable to me, which is a shame as his and Amanda's romance is a pretty major focus of the story. But the rest of the story is incredible, so I can forgive it!

If I Was Your Girl is an amazing, important story, and one I highly recommend!

Content Warning: This book contains scenes of sexual assault and a failed suicide attempt.

*Please not that I have read a proof of If I Was Your Girl, so this quote may not have made it to the finished copy.

Thank you to Usborne for the review copy.

[lovelybookshelf]

This YA coming-of-age story was partially inspired by the author’s experiences as a trans woman (also from the Bible Belt, like our protagonist, Amanda) and tackles themes of identity, love, poverty, and family dynamics.

I listened to the audiobook and the narrator was fine, but her accent was a little weird (either do the Southern accent or don’t!) and the breathlessness was kind of overdone. (I wish YA books would get teen voice actors. Certainly they’re out there?)

The setting does make things a little more difficult for Amanda. But too often, the South is portrayed as so completely backwoods it’s hopeless unless you move away (and let’s be honest, there is no place in the United States where being trans is easy). Russo’s portrayal of being trans in the South is much more balanced and realistic, and shows a lot of depth and insight, which I appreciate. Amanda has access to knowledgeable healthcare and support groups. She’s religious, which plays a huge part in her depression, but also in her self-acceptance: She has an important moment of clarity in what could be considered a hostile environment—listening to a sermon at a Southern Baptist church.

Amanda’s relationship with her parents is difficult and nuanced, but still full of love. Her dad especially—he’s rough, the things he says and does is often cringe-worthy, but you can tell he’s trying as best he can. He’s scared for her, he’s processing, but he obviously cares about her.

By the way, the note from the author is required reading—do not skip! It clarified some things I felt uncomfortable with at first. I think I would have enjoyed this a little more if 1) I was a little younger, and 2) if I’d read it instead of listened to the audiobook. But Russo has written an engaging, hopeful novel that is, at the same time, heartbreakingly realistic. It’s a tough read at times, but this is an important, authentic voice.

[readingwithwrin]

4.5 stars
Trigger warning: Book contains rape attempt, talk of rape, suicide attempt, & forced outing

“For as long as I could remember, I had been apologizing for existing,
for trying to be who I was, to live the life I was meant to lead.”

Amanda is a young transgender woman who is switching schools in order to have a better shot at life. She is also going from living with her mother, to living with her father who she hasn’t had much to do with since her parents’ divorce.
Once she is moved there and starts school a group of girls befriend her and add her to their group. This turns out to be the best thing that’s happened to her in a while because these girls don’t care that she’s transgender they see her for who she is now and how she treats people. Then there is also a boy named Grant who she ends up falling for even though she promised her dad that her main focus would be on school and getting into a good college. After a while though her dad’s somewhat okay with the idea even though he is terrified that something will happen to Amanda if Grant or one of his friends would find out that she is transgender.
Sadly though everything goes horribly wrong towards the end and what Amanda’s worked so hard for almost gets taken away.

“I’ve seen trans people in movies and TV shows, but judging by how
unrealistic and shitty bi characters tend to be, I’m gonna assume I know
nothing."
Going into this book, I didn’t really know much about transgender besides the general information. So this was a very eye opening read and one that I enjoyed. I love learning things and seeing a different side of life from the one I’ve always known and with this book that is exactly what I got. We see Amanda not only struggle with fitting in but also feeling sorry that she wasn’t who she was born as. That she couldn’t please her parents and those around her by being a boy and doing boy things. This all starts from a young age and through flashbacks we get to see them and how she felt about them at that time and how they affect her now in the decisions she makes and how she acts towards those around her. I also liked how religion was also mentioned in this book. Amanda still believed and had payed attention as a child even though those around her in the church didn’t want her there until she was a boy again. (This was heartbreaking to read because it’s not how Christians are supposed to act, but sadly I know it was very realistic.)

“God wanted me to live, and this was the only way I knew how to survive, so this was what God wanted.”

I think for me what made this book more enjoyable for me was how we see not only Amanda grow as a person and start truly loving herself, but also her parents and how they were dealing with this change and how they grew as well. Through it all Amanda loved her parents dearly and to see them accept her as who she is now and love her for it was so nice to see.

“I wasn’t sorry I existed any more. I deserved to live. I deserved to find love. I knew now – I believed, now – that I deserved to be loved.”
The thing that got me the most though was at the end of the audiobook when the author came on and gave some background information on what was real and what wouldn’t have been able to happen until Amanda was older. I also liked how Meredith said that this shouldn’t be used for all of the facts about transgender just because the author is transgender. That things in real life most likely wouldn’t happen how they did in the book.
“I know it hurts. I know it hurts so bad you can barely breathe sometimes. I know because I’ve been there. Please don’t leave us. I promise life can be good, and we need you too much.”
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[cornerfolds]

Read more of my reviews at Cornerfolds.com!

If you're a regular reader of my reviews, I know what you're thinking. "Tracy, what is this? You don't read contemporary." And yeah, you're right, I usually don't. My contemporary reads are few and far between. I came across If I Was Your Girl while reading reviews for Beast (review to come). This author had reviewed that book and I was intrigued, so when I had the chance to get the audiobook through my library I took it!

If I Was Your Girl is about Amanda, a trans girl who has relocated to live with her dad after having issues with her last school after her transition. Her plan is to keep her head down to make it through senior year, graduate, and move to New York where she's sure she'll be accepted. Unfortunately her plan got a little derailed, and by a guy, no less! (It happens to the best of us.) I loved Amanda! She's a very relatable character, the kind of girl who somehow manages to get along with everyone. Literally. She's friends with the class-skipping stoner and the girl who goes to church three times a week.

Her love interest, Grant, falls for her without knowing that she used to be Andrew and I loved their relationship! There was such a contrast between how simple it was on his end, just getting to know her, and how complicated it was for Amanda, who was often unsure of whether she should open up to him about her past. I really enjoyed watching them slowly get to know each other while Amanda let her guard down a little bit at a time. I will admit that the romance was kind of insta-lovey, but that's okay because it honestly wasn't the main focus of the story.

So yes, the characters are awesome, but so is this story! I think this is an incredibly important book because it's one of the first books of its kind in the YA genre and perhaps the first book about a transgender teen girl written by a transgender woman. In the midst of all the diversity discussion lately, I'm glad that this book exists and I really hope that we see more like it in the industry. I appreciated being able to experience what Amanda went through, seeing how it might be for a trans teen in America. I think Meredith Russo did a fantastic job of writing Amanda in a way that made it easy to step into her shoes and see things from her perspective.

My main issue with If I Was Your Girl is that it is somewhat unrealistic. The acceptance she found in small town Tennessee was amazing and heartwarming! But I do have a hard time believing that everything would be quite that smooth in Bible Belt USA, having been raised there. Still, I've seen people say ask, "Why shouldn't a trans girl get a happily ever after?" and I have to agree. I'd like to think of this book as a portrayal of the way things should be.

If I Was Your Girl was a really good read! I enjoyed it for the most part, although there were times when the story dragged and I got a bit bored (yay for audiobooks!). I really loved Amanda and her romance with Grant, even though it was much... sweeter(?) than what I'm used to reading. Like I said, contemporary is not my genre but I still enjoyed this book a lot! I'd definitely recommend If I Was Your Girl to anyone who loves contemporary romance or are on the hunt for good LGBT fiction.