The Jaded Pen

Intoxicated People, Children, And Leggings Always Tell The Truth.

I Am A Proud Boss Of Freaking Awesome Employees

I End A Lot Of My Sentences With, "Just Saying" Because Ending The Sentence With "Dumbass" Would Probably Be Considered Offensive.

Some Days I Amaze Myself. Other Days I Put Laundry In The Oven.

Today I Bought A Doughnut Without Sprinkles. Diets Are Hard.

And Yet Another Day Has Passed And I Did Not Use Algebra Once...

I Choked On A Carrot This Afternoon And All I Could Think Was, I Bet A Donut Wouldn't Have Done This To Me.

At Least I'm A Fun Hot Mess. Like A Train Wreck Full Of Pizza, Fireworks, And Glitter.

Ten Minutes At Work...And I Start Using The F-Word Like A Comma.

Cute But Psycho But Cute - Your Ex

My Daughter Wanted A Cinderella Themed Party. So I Invited All Of Her Friends Over And Made Them Clean The House.

Do Dope Shit.

When Life Shuts A Door, Open It Again. It's A Door. That's How They Work.

How Do I Like My Eggs? Um, In A Cake.

According To This BMI Chart...I Am Too Short.

You And I Are Sisters. Always Remember If You Fall I Will Pick You Up...As Soon As I Finish Laughing

My Goal Was To Lose 10 Pounds This Year. Only 15 To Go.

That Awful Moment When You Realize This IS Your Circus And Those ARE Your Monkeys.

You're Making It Difficult To Be The Parent I Always Imagined I Would Be.

I Love How We Don't Have To Say Out Loud That I'm Your Favorite Child.

You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Work Here. We'll Train You.

I Think My Guardian Angel Drinks.

I Remember Being Able To Get Up Without Making Sound Effects...Good Times.

My Fear Is That PMS Doesn't Exist And This Is My Real Personality.